GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Hey you with the pretty face! Welcome to the human race! LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A bridge collapses in New Jersey, causing a train to crash into a creek—and why, yes! It WAS carrying toxic chemicals!

After two weeks of talks regarding the oncoming "fiscal cliff"—we are no closer than we were two years ago, because... you know... REPUBLICANS.

A man is arrested for chasing down Mitt Romney's SUV and lunging inside his window. I don't think he was looking for an autograph.

So why was Mitt Romney so confident that he'd win the election? Thank the dummies in his campaign who conducted highly flawed internal polling.

Despite White House opposition, the Senate has voted to ratchet down sanctions on Iran in an attempt to stymie their nuclear dreams.

The voters have spoken, and so the Supreme Court have agreed to hear more cases regarding same sex marriage and domestic partnerships.

A Chinese man is sentenced to death for holding women in his (gulp) sex dungeon. THIS STORY IS SO HORRIBLE.

Islamist allies of President Mohammed Morsi draft a hasty constitution that makes protesters say, "Oh HELL no!"

Rihanna posts a picture on Instagram of her hugging and kissing Chris Brown's head. Rihanna, STOP USING SOCIAL MEDIA FOR EVIL!!

Someone else is also using the internet for evil: An alleged Syrian rebel films himself shooting 10 unarmed prisoners in the head... and then uploads it to YouTube.

The Oregon Zoo's resident elephant Rose-Tu gave birth to an adorable baby... Christ! Can someone shut that calf up??

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Sun, rain, sun, rain, sun, rain, from here to eternity.

And finally... WAITASECOND!! Why didn't we hear about this Amy Frey person running for Portland mayor??? AMY FREY 2016, PLEASE!