Because of this... I think I better come clean on a couple of things, before somebody else does it for me.
1) I purchased Senior Editor Erik Henriksen from a debtors prison in the jungles of Myanmar (and invested a lot of money to fix his physical deformities). However, I also made a deal to give him back if he ever used the word "fuck" in a headline seven times. (So far, he's used it six.)
2) Arts editor Alison Hallett was cloned in a super secret military compound beneath a mountain in Colorado during the Carter administration. There are 37 other clones just like her, but her brain was specifically adapted to piss off large metropolitan theater companies. She was purchased for $37 and a strawberry Fruit Roll Up.
3) News reporter Sarah Mirk was the chain on a fixie that was being dismantled, and is currently on "permanent loan" to the Mercury— though she must be returned if Dingo the Clown ever wants to build another tall bike.
4) Music editor Ned Lannamannamann is the only surviving child of Mary Louise MacAlister and George "Freckles" Lannamannamann. (She stomped her other newborns to death.) George wrote for Rolling Stone back in the early days of the magazine, and the Mercury rented him from a stud service to inseminate Mary Louise—who was a highly regarded groupie for Night Ranger. The resulting birth was obviously less than satisfactory... but what are you going to do? You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit.
5) I am a failed theater major.
6) That is all!