In honor of the new Portland Aquarium opening tomorrow, I thought you would enjoy some fun facts about the sea creatures of the world. All of these are personally researched and confirmed by renowned... me. I'm not an official marine biologist per se, but I did watch every episode of Blue Planet. So I can guarantee that every one of these is all Hella True®.

—) In the future, mothers will tell broken hearted kids that "There used to be plenty of fish in the sea. Then we got hungry."
—) The ocean is, like, 96% whale pee.
—) The salmon's favorite sexual position is dogfish style.
—) Each year, seagulls mistake over 1 billion pieces of trash for fish.
—) Sea cowboys rustle manatees.
—) The best natural defense for a fish is not being tasty.
—) Only really fucked up crabs celebrate birthdays with crab cakes.
—) Fat fish are terribly self-conscious because they have to see scales everywhere.
—) Russian squids just use pencils.
—) Frogs can live in or out of the water so they're known as biped curious.
—) There's no such thing as a flying fish, just very wet birds.
—) Sharks have three rows of teeth and four dangly things at the back of their throats. They give the worst blowjobs.
—) Many fish look down on sea urchins, rather than fixing the underlying economic disparities of the ocean.
—) Goldfish have a life expectancy of... that was it.
—) Killer whales are actually innocent, but they didn't get a fair trial because they're half black.
—) Male lobsters spend almost all their time chasing tail.
—) 13 whales successfully copulate with submarines every year, mistaking the evasive maneuvers for playing hard to get.
—) When surveyed, 84% of fish said they would rather swim in an entire ocean made out of delicious Sprite.
—) Shark Week jumped itself in 2010.
—) Octopus evolved specifically for group hugs.