... and it is to somehow get Joe Biden, Vice President of the United States, to record the audiobook version of The President of Vice, the Onion's just-released Kindle single and a "scandalous memoir" charting how "Diamond" Joe Biden became the "ultimate wingman to the leader of the free world." The first few lines:
Hombre, you've just done Uncle Joe a real solid buying this book. I ain't the kind of guy who forgets his debts. Next time we meet there's a tallboy of ice cold Beast on me. And if you're a lady, I know a few tricks to repay you with interest, if you catch my drift.
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you guys: Uncle Joe's on easy street with his job as Vice President, but he's writing this book because he needs the scratch. And I mean really needs the scratch. See, I got myself into a little bit of trouble with some guys I had a little business arrangement with, a couple of bookies named Taz and Jorge. A small matter of an unpaid gambling debt on a prizefight or two.
Ah. Literature! The A.V. Club says Diamond Joe's doing a Reddit AMA this afternoon too, so there you go. Happy Diamond Joe Day, everybody.