Originally published December 23, 2008:

What do you do when you meet the human equivalent of heroin?

I've been messing around with a dominant guy for about a year now. It is by far the most unhealthy "relationship" I've ever been in. First, I have no desire to be with this guy in any way besides fucking around with him. I do not respect him or like him. Our fucking around consists of me giving him head and him slapping me around. Pathetic, huh? I've tried to quit seeing him many times. I changed my phone number, but he just started showing up at my house. When I started dating someone, he refused to quit seeing me. Prior to the relationship, I let him use my house keys one night. He made copies of them without my knowing, and while I was in a relationship, he came to my house one day and pretty much forced me to give him head. I was terrified after that. I changed my locks. I told him that if he ever came over again I would call the cops. Still, despite my having a boyfriend and me ignoring him for months, he still called, e-mailed, and stopped by. Since then, my boyfriend and I broke up, and his stalking has escalated. The few people who know the details about our "relationship" have begged me to get a restraining order. The problem? What he does (the dominating, not the stalking) still turns me on. Even after the "attack," even during my relationship, when I masturbate, I think of him. I'm scared of him and turned on by him. I would go to a psychiatrist, but I'm very embarrassed by it. I'm a very normal person, healthy in many ways. So what gives? He's a very attractive guy and he can get many girls—why won't he leave me alone? Why can't I stop myself from seeing him?

I'm a female in my mid 20s. Completely normal, except for this dark secret.


My response after the jump...

It's fun to have a dark secret—lots of "completely normal" people do. But you can have your dark secrets, A, and all the kinky sex you like, with someone else. There are other guys out there who can do for you exactly what this guy does for you now—and it can be a guy you like, a guy you respect, a guy who respects you enough not to take advantage of your submissive streak.

You have to put a stop to this. Move, change those locks again, get that restraining order, and stop seeing this guy once and for all. He may be hot, what he does to you may be hot, but the stalker stuff—to say nothing of the rapist stuff—is shit frosting on an otherwise hot piece of cake. Stop swallowing it before you get seriously hurt.

And you know what, A? You can go right on masturbating about your experiences with this guy without interpreting that as evidence that you're somehow obligated to continue servicing him. Lots of people have fond memories of sexual experiences with sociopaths, and masturbate to (or is it about?) those memories, but only an idiot keeps fucking around with a sociopath. And this guy won't loom quite so largely in your erotic imagination, A, once you've found someone else to do this stuff with.