GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I heard the thunder clappin', felt the desert burnin', until you poured on me like a sweet sun shower. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he is resigning his position as the stalwart protector of ancient fallacies (the Catholic Church) and is stepping down due to his advancing age, deteriorating strength—and I bet because of something he's not telling us, but we'll find out sooner or later.

On a somewhat related topic: SAME SEX MARRIAGE IN OREGON IN 2014? Oregon United for Marriage announced today that they established a petition committee with the Secretary of State's office to get marriage equality on the ballot in 2014. Denis will be along in a bit to explain more, but LET'S DO THIS THING!

Meanwhile in Wabash Valley, Indiana, a group of high schoolers and their parents want a "traditional prom that bans gays." DEAR IDIOTS: "Traditional proms" have never banned gays—they're banned by homophobic idiots like YOU.

That whopper of a winter storm packs its bags and moves from the northeast to the upper midwest.

The search for "maniac cop" Christopher Jordan Dorner continues, and the LAPD ratchets up the rhetoric labeling him a "domestic terrorist."

Today in gun nuts: Three are dead after a man walks into a Delaware courthouse and started shooting. Man, if only those courthouse security guards had guns, and WAIT.

Five arrests are made in the brutal rape of six Spanish women tourists in Acapulco.

Americans had fewer babies in 2011 than ever before. (Happy now?)

Today in "click bait": Why watching porn on your smartphone is ruining your device.

Abusive dickhead Chris Brown crashes his car after being "ruthlessly pursued by paparazzi," according to the crybaby himself.

Old-timey movie reviewer Rex Reed calls Melissa McCarthy a "female hippo"; immediately discovers you can no longer get away with that shit in the internet age.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Partly sunny, cloudy, showery—everything! Highs in the upper 40s.

And finally, this is how east coasters prepare for snow storms. DON'T FORGET THE BREAD AND MILK.