Good Morning, News!


I was downtown at 6:30 last night, and saw how the power went off, then came back on, then went off, came back on, and finally went off again. Like somebody was just messing with the switches. Probably an interdimensional energy being, or a telekinetic panda.
It's damn sad when our political discourse is belittled to mocking a public speaker for drinking water.

I'm sure Marco Rubio said all sorts of stupid shit that is worth pointing out is stupid, but instead he is ridiculed for being parched? Was that really the most important thing he did last night on TV in front of millions of people?

I understand that GMN! is more about satire than journalism, but I would hope the Mercury team could aim higher - at least a sex joke. Drinking water is not funny, it's healthy, albeit odd within the context.
Rubio really should've jogged to a soda machine mid-speech and bought a Dr. Pepper, that shit's refreshing.
Those football players are NOT dicks. They are victims! They are obviously traumatically brain injured victims of the HELMET INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.

Have some fucking compassion.