In the battle of "Who had the most EWWWWWW moments," last night's episode of Girls beat out The Walking Dead by a wide margin. HOW CAN THIS BE?? Find out by hitting the jump for my spoilerific recaps of both shows, AND your observant observations in the comments. Welcome to The Walking Dead (and Girls) Chitty-Chat Club!

Heres some advice: Never put anything in your eye socket bigger than your elbow. Youre welcome.
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "Here's some advice: Never put anything in your eye socket bigger than your elbow. You're welcome."

So here's what I'm thinking about Dead's "Arrow on the Doorpost" and Girls' "On All Fours":

1) Daryl McRedneck, Farmer "One Legged" McDrunky, and Rick meet up with the Guv'nah and his henchmen to discuss a peace treaty, and—OH FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD. Who invited Blondie McGunnerson?? She's presumably there to facilitate the treaty, but of course she just ends up being an annoying drip who can't do anything right. Hat tips to the Guv'nah for kicking her dumb ass OUT. (Gaaaaawd, I hate her so much.)

2) Meanwhile back in OCDsville, Hannah is discussing a peace treaty with her e-book editor, and it is also not going so well. (At least Jessa—Girls' Blondie McGunnerson—isn't there.) Editor says the problem is something about her having a regenerating hymen? Whatever, she's not writing about enough sexy stuff, and everything she's written is terrible, and her deadline is coming up super fast, and GAAAAHHH! Cue OCD!!

3) Meanwhile, back at the barn, Guv'nah One-Eye is not interested in Rick's "don't cross our line in the sand" plan (which admittedly is kind of stupid) and after a lot of psychological intimidation, spills what he REALLY wants: Michonne. Give her up, and the Woodbury Liberal Arts College will leave the prison and its inhabitants alone forever. Hmmm... why don't I trust him??

4) Meanwhile back in Marnie's vocal cords, Shoshanna is feeling super duper guilty about her quickie affair with the doorman, but even after confessing to Ray, she discovers he's less likable now than when he was a huge dick. So she makes him lay down "a track" for Marnie's song, which she performs at Charlie's app company party and IT IS TERRIBLE!!! Faaaaar more disgusting than that one zombie who got his head squashed in by a baseball bat. On the upside, Charlie is turned on by terrible songs, so he fucks Marnie on his desk.

5) Meanwhile outside the barn, the minions get to know each other—and what's this?? THEY HAVE MORE IN COMMON WITH EACH OTHER THAN THEY THINK. Uggh. I hate it when this happens.

6) Meanwhile inside Hannah's ear, her continuing failed attempts to write her e-book inspires panic, a huge wooden sliver in her ass, and a ruptured drum when Hannah crams nearly an entire Q-tip inside her ear. EEEEEEEEEE!!! Omigod, this episode is SO MUCH more gross than The Walking Dead!

7) Meanwhie back in Blabby Barn, BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

8) Meanwhile back in Adam's doomed relationship, everything is going great with his new girlfriend (the daughter of Billy Crystal's wife in The Princess Bride) until a) he starts drinking, b) sees Hannah, and c) commands his new gal pal to get down on all fours, before he roughly fucks her from behind, and worst of all, almost squirts his seed all over her new dress! Naturally, she—and everyone else, including zombies—are disgusted by his behavior. Nice work, jerk!

9) Meanwhile back at the Blah-blah-blah (SHUT UP PLEASE), Rick finally returns to the prison, tells the gang to get ready for war, and asks Farmer McDrunky to talk him out of turning over Michonne. Here's a good reason not to do it: YOU'VE KILLED ENOUGH BLACK PEOPLE ALREADY.

10) Meanwhile back at Hannah's bloody Q-tip, after getting the offending weapon out of her ear, she calls mom and dad who are, as usual, not very effective at parenting. HOWEVER! She does get some sage advice from mom: "Never put anything in your ear larger than your elbow." I think that may be a metaphor for something... though I'm not sure what. Anyway, Hannah responds by putting the same Q-Tip deep inside her other ear! EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

11) Wow. So if you haven't noticed, Girls is getting darker than Dead—and I'm not too sure how I feel about that. I realize that being self-destructive is what being in your mid-20s is all about... but I've been there, ya know, and I'm not sure I enjoy revisiting it. ANYWAY! What are YOU thinking? Leave your bloody Q-tips in the comments and let's get chitty-chatting!

Heres some advice: Never insert a Q-tip deep enough to touch your hymen. Youre welcome.
  • Courtesy HBO
  • "Here's some advice: Never insert a Q-tip deep enough to touch your hymen. You're welcome."