Last night signaled the SEASON FINALE of Girls—and since there's still two episodes left of The Walking Dead, this is the last Chitty-Chat Club in which we can make unfair comparisons (though there's always next year!). Hit the jump for my recap of both shows, and weigh in with your unfair comparative comments. LET'S START CHITTY-CHATTING!

Ive got a speculum... and I know how to use it!
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "I've got a speculum... and I know how to use it!"

Here's what I'm thinking about the season finale of Girls and The Walking Dead: "Prey."

1) So much more happened in the 30 minute season finale of Girls than in Dead... so let's start there! Hannah is still recovering from the brutal Q-tip attack from last week, and is naturally letting it distract her from completing her e-book—which is due, like, TODAY and that the publishers have already paid for, btw! (Look at it this way, Hannah—no money, no Q-tips.)

2) In a Deadsville flashback, Blondie McGunnerson asks what's up with Michonne's chained up armless/jawless zombie pets, and after a couple of silent, meaningful exchanges, Michonne says cryptically, "They deserved what they got. They weren't human to begin with." Wait... they were used car salesmen?? GROSS. Meanwhile, flash forward to the Guv'nah who is constructing his own S&M dungeon complete with chains, a dentist chair, and random icky medical tools including... a speculum?? GROSSSSSSSS!!!

3) Meanwhile back in Terrible Relationshipsville, Shoshanna gives Ray the heave-ho even after he takes on his new much more important (but not really important at all) position at Grumpy's (Hi, Colin Quinn!), vowing to take him back when he stops being such a goddamn resident of Frowny Town, and in the meantime, to not french kiss any random blonde boys because that is so unlike her. (FORESHADOWING.) Meanwhile, following their fuckscapade in Charlie's office, Marnie assumes they're going to settle down, get married, and have a kitten. Charlie's all like, "UMMM... WHAT?" And then he's all like, "This is the worst idea ever, but since I'm a puss, OKAY. I just can't quit you, Marnie!!" Gross.

4) Meanwhile back at the Woodsbury College of Liberal Arts, Drippy McLackeyson tells Blondie that the Guv'nah is going to kill Rick's Rangers even if they deliver Michonee. So Blondie's like, "Okay then, I'm finally going to do what I should've done since day one, but didn't because I'm stupid. I'm gonna kill him!!" And Drippy's all like, "Don't." And she's all like, "Okay!" (I hate Blondie sooooo much.) Blondie jumps the wall while Tyrese and his sexy sis Sasha turn a blind eye, informing them on the way out that the Guv'nah's a creep. And at first Tyrese is like, "No way!" Until he sees the zombie pit that the Guv'nah plans on unleashing on Rick's Rangers, and he's like "Yes way!" Until the Guv'nah tells him that the zombie pit is just a sweet little ploy to simply scare the prison gang, and Tyrese is all like, "Oh. In that case, no way." MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND, TYRESE.

5) Meanwhile back in Adam's creepy apartment, his new girlfriend (the daughter of Billy Crystal's wife in The Princess Bride) is now telling Adam how to fuck since his last botched attempt where he was really sexually rude to her and almost squirted on her best dress. He doesn't like to be told how to fuck, and so in response, he trashes his creepy apartment. Boy, this guy really likes degrading sex!

6) Meanwhile in Deadlandia, Blondie is running to the prison in very uncomfortable boots, because she's too stupid to stop and get sneakers. The Guv'nah chases her into an old factory, where nothing much interesting happens except a bunch of zombies attack him, and he has a fun time shooting them in the head. Whoopee! Blondie continues to run to the prison in her uncomfortable boots, and almost makes it when the Guv'nah grabs her and says, "Next time you should really try a pair of New Balance shoes. The Silver Sneakers club at the mall swear by them."

7) Meanwhile back in Distractionland, Hannah ruins her hair and logically asks her former crackhead neighbor to fix it for her. She ends up looking like a leukemia patient, and crackhead informs Hannah that she is "the most self-involved, presumptuous person I know." Okay then, crackhead! No tip for you! Hannah leaves a tearful voicemail for Jessa—who THANK GOD IS STILL MIA. (I hope she never returns, and no, that doesn't make me an awful person. No tip for you, either.)

8) Meanwhile back in Woodsburyandia, Drippy McLackeyson runs into the Guv'nah and asks all cagey-like, "Hey, I was just wondering who burned up all the zombies in your zombie pit, because it was actually me, but I'm not coming out and saying it... it's just what I'm thinking inside my head. Oh shit... did I just say that out loud? SHUT UP, MOUTH!!" Meanwhile Blondie McGunnerson is strapped into the Guv'nah's dentist chair and gagged, which means... HELLOOOOOO SPECULUM! (Maybe he's just going to give her a pap smear?)

9) Meanwhile back in Hannahlandia, her pleading phone call to dad doesn't go so well, so Hannah calls Adam who sprints across town SHIRTLESS OF COURSE, kicks down her door and sweeps her into his arms! SIGH! It's just like Officer and a Gentlemen—except Richard Gere really loves degrading sex, and Debra Winger really loves receiving it!

10) And that is that! What did you think of those episodes? Who do you like and who do you hate? And what other show should I recap along with The Walking Dead now that Girls is kaput for the season? LET'S CHITTY-CHAT ABOUT THAT!

Dear Google: What are the side-effects of a speculum in your ear?
  • Courtesy HBO
  • "Dear Google: What are the side-effects of a speculum in your ear?"