As you know, my regular Walking Dead and Girls recap went all ker-fuckle when Girls ended their season two weeks early. So last week I paired the Dead with a recap of an old episode of Boy Meets World (which was great) and this week I'm pairing it with an old episode of my second favorite sitcom ever, Blossom! So hit the jump for all the spoilers you could ever want about last night's season finale of The Walking Dead... and some Blossom, too! LET'S START CHITTY-CHATTING!

Oh no, Blossom. I do not expect you to talk. I expect you to DIE.
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "Oh no, Blossom. I do not expect you to talk. I expect you to DIE."

Here's what I'm thinking about the season finale of The Walking Dead "Welcome to the Tombs," and season one, episode one of Blossom, entitled "Blossom Blossoms"!

1) OWW! OWW!! Hey, Guv'nah! Stop punching me in the face! OHHHHH, I get it... this is just a clever P.O.V. shot and the Guv'nah is actually punching Drippy McHenchman. (And it's a good thing, too—I hate experiencing pain or ugliness.) Because Drippy burned up the Guv's zombie zoo (and then CONFESSED because he's a dumbass) he is beaten senseless and tossed into Blondie McGunnerson's torture room, where he's told to stabbity-stabbity-stab her to make good for his crimes. Naturally, Drippy makes a half-hearted attempt at stabbity-stabbing the Guv, and is stabbity-stabbed in the gut for his trouble. Ouchity-ouch! But here's the good part: The Guv leaves Drippy in the room with Blondie knowing that he will die, turn and devour her. Or as he put it: "In this world, you either kill or die... orrrrrr (heh, heh, hehhhhhh) DIE AND KILL! BWAAAHH-HAH-HAH-HAAAAAA!! (Kaff! Kaff!) Excuse me while I find a cough drop."

2) Meanwhile in pubescent land, Blossom is experiencing her first period! HA-HA-HA GROSS, right? And since her mom ran away to become a rock star, she has to go to the drug store alone to pick up some tampons. Unfortunately, a teenage school chum (a very young Giovanni Ribisi—SQUEEEEEE!) is working the counter, so Blossom lies her ovaries off about the tampons not being for her and leaves in abject mortification. Luckily her best friend "Six"—I know, right?—drops by the house to deliver some tampons, pads and words of encouragement about the blood squirting out of their vaginas.

3) Meanwhile back at the prison, the gang is apparently packing up and moving out to avoid an all-out war with the Guv'nah—and l'il Carl is pissed! (Hey grumpy Carl! Be happy you're not Blossom!) When the Guv and his shitty townsfolk army arrive they come into the prison with guns blazing—but wait! Rick's Rangers aren't here! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Oh, shit, they are here and they're shooting guns at us!! WE DID NOT EXPECT THIS. Retreat! Reeeetreeeeat!!! Rick is all like, HA-HA-HA we won, and Carl is all like BLAM-BLAM-BLAM, I'm shooting a retreating Guv'nah crony in the face. And Drunky McFarmerson's finger is all like WAG-WAG-WAG.

4) Back at Blossom's, her bros Joey and Anthony (wearing suspenders and a fanny pack) are in the kitchen eating ice cream when Blossom bursts in to bitch them out for absolutely no reason! What is she? On her period or something? Later that night, Blossom wishes she had a real on-site mom to coach her through this trying time and has a dream that Clair Huxtable (from The Cosby Show) is her mom!! Oh, man, I would be just like Carl and kill everyone on earth for Clair Huxtable to be my mom. (As long as she's not dead and haunting Rick, right?)

5) Meanwhile back on the road, the Guv stops his fleeing chicken-shit army and screams, "Let's go back and get those a-holes!" Unfortunately one person speaks up to say this is not a great idea, and so the Guv takes his gun and MOWS THEM ALL DOWN. (Okay. That's one way to handle it.) Meanwhile back in Blondie's torture room, Drippy lies dying on the floor, which means that Blondie only has a few minutes to pick up those dropped pliers with her monkey feet and get herself loose—but instead she uses at least a minute or two of those precious seconds to philosophize about how morally superior she is, and stare meaningfully at Drippy. SHE IS SO FUCKING STUPID. It's official.

6) Back at Blossom's recent mortification, Dad decides the best way to deal with Blossom's period is to attack it head on, and call a family meeting where he announces to everyone, "Hey, Blossom's got her period!" Weirdly, this does not get the reaction he was expecting. And Blossom rushes off to her room to cry and bleed in peace.

7) Meanwhile, Rick is all like, "Carl, why did you kill that retreating Woodsburyian?" And Carl is all like, "Videogames made me do it!!" Okay, fine, he said, "Because why should I leave someone alive that's just going to turn around and try to kill us? In other words, pop, you're a PUSS." Rick has no response to that—but decides to grab Michonne and Racisty McRedneck to go after the Guv'nah. (Do you ever get the feeling that Rick's plans aren't really plans at all?) On the way, they meet a survivor of the Guv's roadside massacre, who gets them inside with some help from Tyreese (AKA the one black guy they haven't killed yet.)

8) Meanwhile back in Tamponsville, Dad makes up for his colossal blunder by braiding Blossom's hair and taking the entire family out for Chinese food. He makes it known that while he'll never take the place of Blossom's mom—he can take them out for Chinese food. So there's that? In a comedic attempt to understand Blossom's "rules" about her period, Joey asks, "Do I have to knock on your bedroom door before I come in now?" [UPROARIOUS CANNED STUDIO LAUGHTER, AND… fin.]

9) Back at Blondie's torture room, Rick's Rangers hear some disturbing zombie munching sounds behind the door, and when they open it they discover... dead zombie Drippy McHenchman! EWWWWW! And Blondie McGunnerson alive but with a big chunk bitten out of her neck. EWWWWWW!! Knowing that she's a pre-zombie goner, Blondie courageously volunteers to shoot herself... but not before delivering yet another terrible, sanctimonious monologue. OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, JUST SHOOT YOURSELF ALREADY!! HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH??? Cut to BANG!! Cut to a yellow school bus pulling up to the prison, where a bunch of old and infirm people (and Tyrese) from Woodsbury are apparently moving in. Cut to Carl scowling, "What the FUCK?!? Why didn't we all just move to Woodsbury which has all the ammo and food? FUCK THESE GUYS, I'M OUTTA HERE!!" Cut to the ghost of Lori/Clair Huxtable who isn't there anymore, and a sunshiny day of zombies frolicking in the field looking like a hipster's Instagram account. THE END.

10) Other than that Blossom episode, a pretty disappointing night of TV, guys! That Walking Dead season finale was a definite let down other than the demise of Blondie McGunnerson whose only job this season was to annoy the shit out of me. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS EPISODE? Leave your comments below, and don't forget to wear your flower hat and tampon.

Wait... zombies cant smell my period, right?
  • "Wait... zombies can't smell my period, right?"