Last night's Game of Thrones was a road movie. Robb set out for Riverrun, Breanne and Jaime stomped through the wilderness, Arya and Gendry met some forest guys, Jon and Sam walked through snow to somewhere, and Bran is having weird dreams while being wagon-ed about by Hodor. Road movies, though, aren't about the destination (you know that already, though) they're about the journey, man. Last night it looked like everyone learned a thing or two. About the world around them, about their traveling companions, and about themselves. Yeah.

Spoilers after the jump.

Trigger warning: If you pull the trigger on a crossbow, bad things can happen.
  • Trigger warning: If you pull the trigger on a crossbow, bad things can happen.

Bran can walk! Wait, no he can’t. The opening sequence was a kind of vision-quest dream thingy wherein Bran met a triple-eyed bird that would not be out of place on the mural of a Hawthorne head shop. Osha, being full of all kinds of noble savage nature wisdom says “The raven is you!” Holy shit, people. That is some deep Castenada-level insight right there. Hodor.

Someone mentioned Riverrun! You, know Riverrun. That big castle from the books that the show’s been ignoring? I guess they’re going to go there maybe. It’s fine if they don’t, though, given that the Tullys are boring. Anyway, Robb's going there now, in case you cared about Robb. Which you shouldn't.

Theon’s very bad day. We’ve seen a lot of Theon Greyjoy not wearing clothing. Usually with ladies. This time it was not with a lady. It was with a knife-y torture dude. Theon asked him “what do you want?” and the torturer said “I want to do this!” before going at his hand with a knife. I’ve gotta hand it to him- that was a clever answer.

Yup, that’s Jaime Lannister peeing. Thanks for that, HBO. Was anyone else getting an R2 and 3PO vibe from Breanne and Jaime? She’s big, shiny, yellowish, and uptight. He’s shorter, wittier, and doesn’t have use of his arms. Anyone else? Just me? Anyway, I hate book Breanne, but I’m beginning to like TV Breanne alright. The banter that she has with Jaime has worked pretty well as a source of comic relief and exposition, and I could totally buy these two teaming up to fight bad guys. Most memorable line: “It’s a shame the throne isn’t made out of cocks, they’d have never gotten [Renly] off of it.” As we speak someone on the Internet is photoshopping a throne made of dildos. (Confidential to people who've read the books. Anyone thinking that that's the crossbow that's used to, you know, do a thing later? You know what I mean.) Speaking of gay stuff:

Joffrey doesn’t like flowers. Someone’s got a case of the not-gays! Joffrey seems to have a little more agency now, and is less of just a petulant child. He’s a monstrous adolescent, but he also seems to be growing into being a monstrous young man. Last night as he was throwing a fit about his king clothes and vainly gazing upon his Lannister crimson, and telling off his mother we got a little glimmer of what he’d be like as a full-grown douche-bro.

Later in the episode Margaery confronts him and he shows her his not at all symbolic crossbow. Their verbal sparring was deftly done. Joffrey was all pissed and nasty because Margaery married Renly, but Ms. Tyrell succeeded in giving him the runaround and ended up charming the pants off the nasty little snot. Of special note: Joffrey is a homophobe, and has pondered banning gayness. Margaery says that she suspected Renly was gay because the one time he wanted to do her, it was in the butt. Yes, gay dudes are just big old butt lovers who just want to put some dick in some butt because gay. If Dan Savage was watching, he probably rolled an eye or two.

Olenna, the Queen of Thorns, wants her damn cheese. The Tyrells are up to something. After renly got greased by Stannis’ creepy shadow assassin, it’s time for Plan B, which looks to involve less swording and more scheming. Olenna, an awesome old lady whom I would totally eat lemon cakes with, seems to be the schemer-in-chief, worming info out of Sansa about Joffrey. She was asking whether or not Joffrey was nice to Sansa, and ostensibly whether he’d be good to Margaery, but I think there’s another layer here. Olenna Redwyne probably also wants to know if the little shit can be manipulated by a strong Hand or a strong Queen.

Meanwhile, in Magical Iceland… Jon Snow met a giant last week. Cool! This week he happened upon a warg, a guy who can hijack the minds of animals and see through their eyes. Just like last week, I like it how the show introduces the fantasy elements in a matter-of-fact manner without a bunch of fanfare. Later on, we return to Bran and he meets Jojen and Meera Reed, a pair of magical forest kids who know all about wargs. We immediately know their special because they can make Bran’s direwolf chill out just by saying hi. Jojen (because he’s a magical forest kid) figures out that Bran uses warg powers on Hodor, like Hodor’s a bird or something. That’s kind of fucked up, Bran.

Sam! That guy’s telling you to lie down and rest! Don’t do it! He’s trying to insult you to death!

It’s Robin Hood! Okay, it’s Thoros of Myr and the Brotherhood Without Borders. Arya, Gendry, and their fat friend meet up with a merry band who, I guess, just sort of vagabond about and talk about all the borders they don’t have. Thoros seems fun, but I think his de-swording of Arya was a little harsh. She’s a little girl, dude. Way to out-fence a kid. Anyway, they found the Hound, and he promptly blew Arya’s cover. “What in seven hells are you doing with a Stark bitch?” UH-OH!

Tyrion did it with Ros. Just in case you were wondering.

Back to R2 and 3PO… Jaime, because he’s all clever and stuff, manages to steal one of Breanne’s swords (apparently they have two) and then fighting time! Remember all the tension, banter and verbal sparring? Now it’s real sparring! They go at it for a few moments, and each seems to respect the others swordspersonship, but then some Boltons (the same guys who are torturing Theon) show up. Uh-oh! It looks like a certain pair of belligerent blonde people need to set aside their differences and unite against a common enemy! D’AWWWW!

I guess that episode was okay. I hope the next one has more Tyrion and fighting, though.