I want to let you in on a little secret. You can buy condoms on Amazon. You never thought of that? It's great. You can really consider your purchase when you do it on Amazon, without being worried an old lady will walk down the aisle and look at you like you're a pervert.

There are downsides to really thinking about it, though. "Hmm... $.92/piece seems pretty high. Am I really paying a dollar every time I have sex? Does that make her a prostitute? Weird. I thought we were in love."

Plus you can find brands you didn't know existed. "Rusty's Brand Ultra Thick." I didn't know that existed, but it's only $.83/time-doing-it.

The weirdest thing was, as a force of habit, I still did the thing I do in normal stores where I bought a couple other items so the checker wouldn't think I was only interested in sex. I'm thinking about sex AND printer ink. See? Not a sex addict.

Dont try this at home.
  • Don't try this at home.
That doesn't work, by the way. We're not fooling these checkers. Whatever else you buy, they probably think you're using it in your freaky sex games. "I just need these Durexs and ... a dozen eggs and some string cheese." She just thinks you're going to go fuck an omelette.

Amazon wasn't fooled either. I had a bunch of stuff in my cart but as soon as I added the condoms, all my recommendations instantly turned into sex toys. "People who bought condoms also enjoy blow up dolls." What? No they don't. Those are completely different demographics! If I want a blow-up doll, I'm not super concerned about having half blow-up babies.

Next time you're buying printer ink and want to get the free shipping, I highly recommend ordering a 24 pack of Rusty's Ultra Thicks.