If you haven't noticed, the Scientologists have a brand new storefront in downtown Portland and it's awesome. If you'd like to watch promotional DVDs while feeling like the men in suits who watch your every move might murder you, then this is definitely the place for you.

The Portland branch of the Church of Scientology—from the Greek words logia (the study of) and sciento (getting money from celebrities)—opened the new space in traditional North Korean fashion on May 11th. I was so intrigued to learn what these people Photoshopped into the publicity photo were celebrating, I thought I'd stop by with my trusty camera phone and give you a virtual tour of their new digs.

The most important thing when you judge a museum/church's believability is the controls on the video players. These are top notch and prove that God lives in space.


The Sciency Totologists have lots of information to get across. For example, did you know L. Ron Hubbard looked pretty rugged? He did! The church's founder looked like he was getting a senior portrait all the time.


For newcomers, they explained the basic tenets of their religion/business plan including their 21 Commandments.


These are fascinating.
#8 Do not murder. That's FIVE BELOW "do not be promiscuous." Saved the best for 8th, I guess.
#9 Do not do anything illegal. Seriously. Murder is a double no-no because it breaks two different rules.
#21 Flourish and Prosper. Very different from the Christian "it's easier for a camel to fit through than the eye of the needle than for a rich person to get into heaven." It almost makes you think they want your money.
#22 (implied) Round numbers are stupid.

The Scenic Toiletists have lots of different programs to help you, your business, and your community. In case you're easily confused, they kindly gave each program a super obvious acronym.



It's like each of their programs got its name by writing a letter to Dear Abby.

Stay tuned after the jump for by far the best discovery I made.

Like all Scientology Outlet Malls (I was told), this one comes with a Ghost Office for the boss man L. Ron Hubbard. If he ever comes back from the dead and wants a 1st floor office, they've got him covered, complete with lots of well spaced desk toys.


The only problem is L is gonna be pretty bored in this office. All he's got to read is multiple copies of each of his books. He's already read them, guys. Give him something he missed out on by being dead like Harry Potter or something.


Obviously the thing they want you to pay the most attention to is their WAY TOO LONG FOR A MUSEUM videos about how great L Ronald and the Scientologosts are.

The videos are mostly stupid, but a couple minutes into one about using E Meters (a key tool in Scientology, they monitor how much E you've been doing) I discovered this gem:


That's right, THEYRE TESTING TEDDY BEARS FOR ENGRAMS! Okay, creepy cult. You win. If you can get those horrible chemical toxins out of that teddy bear and make him WISE, I'll definitely join.