With these ridiculous Mercury staffers focused on making each other miserable with the Worst Night Ever series, I quietly snagged the gig of a fucking lifetime: covering the Oregon Humane Society Top Dog Model Finale.

That’s right.




Here is one of them:

Gomer the St. Bernard. Woof woof woof, Im a dog on a stage.
  • Gomer the St. Bernard. "Woof woof woof, I'm a dog on a stage."

Hit the jump for blah blah blah DOG PICTURES!

This modeling show was a benefit for the OHS and was held at the Hotel Moncaco. I paid extra so my friend Jenny and I could get VIP seats and goodie bags. We were in the front row. I felt like one of the Olsen girls.

Take that, Anna Wintour.
  • Take that, Anna Wintour.

Apparently just anybody could have submitted pictures of their rescue dogs for consideration. I am sad that I did not know about this earlier because my dog genius would have cleaned up. Actually, he probably would have been the one to pee on the judges’ table and bark nonstop. I was really impressed by how well-behaved the dog models were. The fact that it was 10,000 degrees in the banquet room probably helped mellow everybody out.

Raven, an early favorite.
  • Raven, an early favorite.

Non-dog sidebar: The event was hosted by KPTV weatherman Andy Carson, a petite, manic blonde man who must be - sorry! - Wm. Steven Humphrey’s less funny, equally suggestive brother. He kicked it off with one of the best things I have ever heard: “LET’S GET IT ON WITH THE DOGS!” WHAT?! Okay.

Moving on: there were 10 small dog finalists and 10 big dog finalists. The smallest dog weighed was a chihuahua mix that weighed 6 lbs, and the biggest was a great dane named Henry who weighed 150 lbs. I wanted to put a saddle on him and have the little dogs ride him but I kept that to myself. Each dog got two walks: the first was regular dog walking, the second included tricks and costumes. One sucky thing about our seats, and where they had the judges, is that I ended up with a lot of pictures of dogs' buttholes.

Rogue the Doberman and his butthole in a tutu: a humiliating photo.
  • Rogue the Doberman and his butthole in a tutu: a humiliating photo.

During the intermission, some OHS staffers brought out a couple of dogs who were available for adoption. This is after two hours at a very warm event with a full bar and I cannot believe I did not take them both home. One of the dogs was even named MERCURY. LIKE THIS VERY PUBLICATION. He was so freaking cute. Hey, staff: get this dog! Make him the office dog. LOOK HOW CUTE. Jesus.

Future dog reporter.
  • Future dog reporter.

We all got to vote on our favorite little dog and our favorite big dog. I voted for Zelda, a pug, because I am a pug person, and Samson, a gentle golden retriever and cancer survivor.

Samson. I pet this dog a lot.
  • Samson. I liked this dog a lot.

The overall winners were Bobo, a little fluffy white thing with a huge fan club, and Marley, a shy labrador/mutt. But truly, we were all winners, because we got to pet a lot of dogs, and they were all really cute. It was a super fun evening and I am so glad that I was there.

My dog was also glad I went because my goodie bag contained several delicious treats and he liked them a lot. Watch out, fellow dog models, Oscar is going to be all over your asses next year.

Oscar Jones: champion model 2014? I will use any excuse to post pictures of my dog places btw.
  • Oscar Jones: champion model 2014? I will use any excuse to post pictures of my dog places btw.