DANCE—DJ Cooky Parker's In the Cooky Jar is one of our favorite events in town, especially tonight, on the R&B/soul night's fourth anniversary—as always, the music will be fantastic, the dance floor packed, and the sweet bartender lady will pour crazy stiff drinks. Also sometimes you end up being an Eagle at the end of the night. EH
Eagles Lodge, 4904 SE Hawthorne, 9 pm, $5

COMEDY—Neil Hamburger, the undisputed king of one-liners and heckler-silencing, is what would happen if the Borscht Belt were still a thing, except if borscht were a dish made of phlegm chunks and scotch. Tim Heidecker, the more winsome half of anti-comedy duo Tim and Eric will join him. Also, this is the best thing ever. DCT
w/Jeff Breakfast; Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, 9 pm, $18