Dear Portland City Commissioners:

Just a quick note to let you know that the city council of Whitehorse (just the largest city in northern Canada, so don't get it twisted) is making you guys look like JUNIOR VARSITY. Why? Because they have a TV commercial... and YOU DON'T. Just because you got elected doesn't mean you can sit on your cans and stop trying to look necessary! ADVERTISE HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE TO THIS COMMUNITY, people. Don't take it for granted. Otherwise you'll just keep letting those fluoride-hating, reservoir un-capping hippies run right over you.

Wm. Steven Humphrey