GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! A never satisfied girl's what they call me. But I just can't keep goin' on livin' lies. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A coup to overthrow Turkey results in at least 10 sentences of life imprisonment, including a former army chief of staff. KEEP THAT IN MIND, MERCURY EMPLOYEES.

Here's the latest fucked up thing to happen in Florida: A boy is pummeled by three teens on a school bus, and the 64-year-old driver felt powerless to intervene.

An Oregon snowboarder is buried alive while boarding through an ice tunnel on Mount Hood.

An intercepted message indicates that al-Qaida is almost ready for a new, unspecified attack. So relax, everybody!

Twitter cracks down on hate speech, in particular threats against women. #AboutGoddamnTime

One of the accused bombers in the Boston Marathon attacks subscribed to right-wing publications—or as they're also known, "terrorist porn."

In a somewhat related story, Tea Party members are boo-hoo-hooing over the fact that the idiots they elected aren't trying to derail the country ENOUGH. (Hey, if they're looking for serious candidates, how about al-Qaida?)

In a somewhat related story, the House GOP plans an anti-Washington push this month, because they hate America and American jobs.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Sunny and upper '80s for the next three days, and not a drop of rain in sight.

And finally, let's pay a visit to the WIZARD OF ID to see what sort of hilarious shenanigans those rascals are up to today!