Did you and three-quarters of America watch last night's final season premiere of Breaking Bad? YOU DID??? YAY!! Let's chitty-chat about it! Check out my spoiler-filled reactions and YOUR far more astute comments after the jump. And as Walt says, if you don't like it, maybe you should "tread lightly." LET'S START CHITTY-CHATTING!

Whos a widdle Gwumpy Gus? Whos a widdle Gwumpy Gus??
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "Who's a widdle Gwumpy Gus? Who's a widdle Gwumpy Gus??"

Let's chitty-chat about the season five, episode nine premiere titled "Blood Money"—OOOOOOOOOH. Here's what I'm thinking:

1) The episode opens with hair on top of Walt's head! That means what we're seeing are possibly the final days of Walter White, as he pulls up to his now abandoned suburban home, breaks in and finds the Ricin tube he hid in the wall. WHY DOES HE WANT THIS? Is he making Ricin Pudding? Who knows? Why don't you tell me?? (And the look on neighbor Carol's face was priceless.)

2) After the break we pick up where we left off last time with bro-in-law Hank figuring out that the murdered Gale Boetticher scribbled a love note to Walter in a book left in the White's bathroom! (Junior varsity move, Walt. The only reading material that belongs in a bathroom is the latest copy of O magazine. Have you seen the newest one? Where Oprah wears a gigantic afro wig? Priceless!) Anyway, Hank excuses himself and almost strokes out on the ride home. Now the job begins of digging through the case files to expose Walt's shenanigans. Dangerously obsessive behavior, ahoy!

3) Meanwhile back at the estate of Jessie Pinkman, his henchies (Skinny Pete & Badger) expound on their hilarious Star Trek theories—in particular, the horrifying results of an Enterprise pie-eating contest. Unfortunately, Jessie doesn't appreciate their brilliance and stomps off in a huff. LOOK JESSIE. I'm sorry about that kid on the motorcycle... but he was being snoopy! We're talking exploding Star Trek space guts here!

4) To assuage his guilt, Jessie takes two bags full of moolah to lawyer "Better Call Saul" to distribute to the victims' families. Saul rightly calls Jess an idiot, and snitches on him to Walt who pays his former partner one of his classic passive-aggressive lying-out-of-his-ass visits. "OF COURSE, it's sad about the snoopy motorcycle kid! OF COURSE, Mike's not dead and I totally did not (did) kill him! Leave the past in the past, and let's sit here on your couch awkwardly!"

5) Meanwhile back at the car wash, Walt is getting all up in Skyler's shit trying to tell HER where to product place the pine scented car fresheners. FUCK YOU, WALT. And get your skanky, super anxious drug gal pal Lydia out of here, too. It's not Skyler's problem that Lydia's meth is only "68 percent pure and failing"! She's got air fresheners to sell!

6) Did I mention that Walt's cancer is back? Well it is, and the chemo is making him toss his cookies during dinner. The good news is that while he's in the bathroom he notices his Gale Boetticher-autographed copy of Leaves of Grass is missing. Did I say that's good news? THAT'S VERY BAD NEWS. Even worse news is that Walt has the same tracking device on his car that he and Hank used to spy on Gus. SO IT'S OFF TO HANK'S HOUSE WE GO.

7) Meanwhile, Jessie is driving around throwing piles of cash into random people's yards. But does he ever come to SELLWOOD? No, and thanks a pantload, Jessie.

8) Walt pays a visit to Hank's crime lab garage, and confronts him about the tracker on his car. (That is one ballsy move.) Hank closes the garage door, and pounds Walt's face into hamburger meat. Then Walt tries stupid logic: "You shouldn't arrest me because I'm going to be dead in six months." Yup, stupid logic, Walt! When that doesn't work, he resorts to his old stand-by: "Think I'm dirty? Prove it, a-hole. But I must warn you... tread lightly." OOOOH. I'm sooooo scared of a 140 lb. cancer victim! Note to Walt: Hank doesn't tread lightly on anything. Especially your FACE.

9) And that was that! Another classic BB episode, with laughs, plenty of suspense, and pathos—that is, if you feel sorry for Jessie, which I don't. Snap out of it, and go buy yourself a jet ski, bro! WHAT DID YOU THINK? Why did Walt go back for the Ricin? Is he going to kill Hank or Jessie... or perhaps himself? Or maybeeeee... Mike's granddaughter??? DON'T DO IT, WALT! (Hit me with your opinions in the comments.)

Oh, my life is so terrible! Except for my awesome bong and this psychedelic screen behind my head. Otherwise? TERRIBLE!!
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "Oh, my life is so terrible! Except for my awesome bong and this psychedelic screen behind my head. Otherwise? TERRIBLE!!"