GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! You'll laugh so much your sides will ache, your heart will go pitter-pat! LET'S GO TO PRESS.

As threatened, Egyptian security forces move in against pro-Morsi supporters pelting them with tear gas and gunfire. The number is up for debate, but roughly 500 were wonded and somewhere between 56 and 300 people are dead. Following the bloody attack a state of emergency has been unsurprisingly declared throughout Egypt.

A UPS plane goes down just outside the Birmingham, Alabama airport—two pilots are dead.

In NYC , the cops are ordered to wear tiny cameras on their bodies... just to make sure they're no longer subjecting minorities to the "stop 'n' frisk." Because they're not... RIGHT?

Kidnap victim Hannah Anderson answers questions about her abduction, not to ABC, CNN or FOX—but to her social media friends online.

A Utah beauty queen hands back her crown after being accused of going on a homemade bomb throwing spree with friends in her neighborhood. Man! They don't let beauty queens do ANYTHING!

Former Illinois congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. and wife Sandra are set to be sentenced today for their crimes of misusing campaign funds (to buy such necessities as Rolex watches, mink capes, and elk heads). Again, they don't let congressmen and their greedy wives do ANYTHING!

Here's another India rape story that's so terrible I can't even talk about it.

The San Diego Hooters has banned perverted Mayor Bob Filner—and this is how you know how bad things have gotten for him.

The lesbians who were denied a wedding cake from the homophobic Gresham bakery have filed a state discrimination complaint. And their cake sucks, too!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Partly cloudy, 86 degrees, with increasing humidity over the next two days. I know you hate deodorant... but C'MON!!

And finally, oh internet! Will you ever tire of making danceable videos featuring cats with lasers shooting out of their eyes? I hope not!