I got straight-married the other day. The traditional kind of marriage that some people are working really hard to protect. "The way things have been for thousands of years." You know, that one marriage. The sacred one.

Except the whole process struck me as being really unsacred. All you need to get married in Oregon (besides exactly one penis and one vagina) is $60, a couple signatures, and to wait three days. Or $70 and don't have to wait. Because traditional marriage is so sacred, you have to fork over a full tenner to rush into it. There's as much romance in the legal part of getting married as if I had shipped my wife FedEx.

A legal wedding in Oregon can be officiated by anybody who is ordained by any organization and no verification of the ordination is required. But wait, it gets better. A wedding can be officiated by anybody who CLAIMS to be ordained even if they aren't (as long as the couple believed they were ordained [ORS 106.130]). While it's currently illegal for two guys to get married, it's perfectly legal for opposite-gendered couples to get married by Darth Vader as long as he makes a convincing case that he has the authority to marry them. The traditional way.


People claim that legalizing gay marriage could lead to people marrying dogs, but it's currently possible for a dog to marry straight people to each other TONIGHT as long he's got a believable bark and they fork over the $70.

Oregon has no rules about what a wedding ceremony must entail, as long as the couple agrees to take each other as husband and wife in front of at least two witnesses (who could be anybody, including storm troopers). That's not a holy institution, it's a bureaucratic joke, a rubber stamp.

Even more ridiculous, there's no laws against the wedding couple paying for Photoshopped images of them running from ATAT attacks.


If we actually valued marriage and wanted to protect its sanctity, we need to immediately legalize same-sex marriage and outlaw Star Wars themed weddings.