GOOD MORNING, NEWS! Step to the rhythm of a sho-nuff winner (winner), I been here before (yo! ) I ain't no beginner (word). LET'S GO TO PRESS.

President Obama is working on a precedent-shaping plan to intervene in Syria—one without permission from the UN, without a direct threat to the US, in order to punish a supposed war crime that may never happen again. HMM.

In a CBS interview with President Assad of Syria, when asked what sort of repercussions we should expect if we invade his country, Assad warned we should expect "everything." Sooo everything including chemical weapons and ice cream sundaes?

Meanwhile Secretary of State John Kerry tells Syria that if they want to avoid conflict, they should hand over all their chemical weapons (and ice cream sundaes) within a week.

Fake US ambassador to North Korea Dennis Rodman returns from the country with the promise of a basketball game and the supposed name of Kim Jong Un's child, and I can't believe I just wasted the last 20 seconds of my life typing this.

The newest Apple announcement is slated for tomorrow... stand by for our own Alex Falcone's sneaky-peeky-preview which may or may not be full of beans!

A young woman playing a prank on a friend is shot and killed, because... GUNS KEEP US SAFER (from pranks).

Now that the Boy Scouts are admitting gay kids, the Christians have started their own version, and SURPRISE! They're kaaaaaa-raaaazy!

A Waco decal maker tries to drum up business by making a life-sized decal of a woman bound and gagged in the back of a truck. (Is he in the misogyny business?)

Mexico's president proposes sweeping changes to the country's social programs, including pensions and unemployment insurance for everyone. Meanwhile, the US congress wants to move to Mexico so they can fuck that one up, too.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Partly cloudy and 83 and WHOA, NELLY! A mini heat wave starts tomorrow with temps leaping up to the low '90s.

And finally, is it too late for a new SUMMER JAM? Check out this hilariously awesome song from Whatchya called "Taste You Like Yogurt"—and prepare to have it stuck in your head all day!