It’s 2 am and my phone lights up with a message. It’s a simple message, but the implications are obvious. The subtext of this text: “Hey, would now be a good time for me to come over and have sex?”

The actual text: “Hey”

This is a person I have a certain type of relationship with; I know what he means. You don’t make small talk with Santa Claus, do you? You say “Here’s what I want.” So is it with the subtle, beautiful booty text relationship. My problem with this brief message is not its brevity or casualness… it’s the lack of imagination.

I surveyed a small group of hetero lady friends (as the hetero males seem to be the number one unimaginative Booty Text perpetrators) about their worst Booty Text. Here are the worst and/or most frequent texts in pursuit of booty.

“How about a little hump day fun?” -sent on a Wednesday (ugh)
“When can I cum eat ur pussy”
“Hey, Missed me?;)”
“Happy Hour?” -sent at 2am
“excuse me, is your bed taken?”
“You up?”
“You free?”
“You around?”
“Hey Hey”
“Hi there”

Don’t make me say "no" just to invalidate your dumb-ass ideas of what sexy is. It’s not fair! A good booty text is pretty simple: Be vulnerable! Be bold! Be playful and funny! To inspire your brief lusty shouts into the void, I’ve enlisted some local writers, comedians, and pro-tweeters:

“WebMD says my junk might be broken forever. Can I get a second opinion?”-@Alex_Falcone

“Come over and be the little spoon while we watch that Disney version of Robin Hood with those hot foxes.”-@RorynotRoy

“We've got tonight, who needs tomorrow. And I promise not to cry afterwards this time.”-Tommy Gaffney

"I think my dick needs some 'you’ time."-@WalkerNicolas

“I want to do that thing you said we could do when my ankle healed. Also, I bought the 'item.'“-@Jason_Rouse

"I'm not tryna fuck, but if that's what has to happen for us to spoon together all night, then you could probably convince me." -@Curtis_Cook

And if that wasn’t enough to get your lover’s engine, going try this… “I’ll buy breakfast”-@bripruett

Wishing you great love and good sex,