Why we can't have nice things, Exhibit A:


Look at this goat, everybody. LOOK AT IT.

Its name is Bambi and it's a Nigerian Dwarf goat trying to eke out an existence—like so many of us—in a rapidly changing Buckman neighborhood. You know the story: Rents are rising, condos and apartments are reshaping the landscape, there's that one vegan grocery store. Next year, the vacant lot Bambi and other goats call home will be developed. The herd will have to move on.

All of which means Bambi's got enough going on in her life that she can probably do without you kidnapping her and painting her horns red (plus she's topping the charts at a whopping FIVE-GOAT FRIENDLINESS RATING). And yet look at Bambi's fucking horns, guys.

Here's a report Christopher Frankonis, part owner of the herd at the popular Buckman "Goat Field," filed with police yesterday afternoon (broken into paragraphs by me):

Just before noon on Sunday, November 10, 2013, I received a text from former owner of the herd of goats residing at Goat Field, the superblock bounded by SE Belmont, SE Taylor, SE 10th, and SE 11th (the herd is now owned by myself and several other of the people who have been helping him take care of them this year), saying that someone had called him (his contact number is still on signs attached to the fence) to let him know there was a goat outside the fence.

At this time I was a block away, since I was heading to the field already for other goat business. Indeed, tied to the gate on Taylor with a bungee cord was one of our Nigerian Dwarf goats. The reason it doesn't appear to have been an escaped goat that someone latched to the gate for us is that her horns had obviously been painted, or stained, red (a prank?) — which suggests (to us anyway) that she was taken at some point between 6:00 PM Saturday (the last time any of us were there to check in on them) and noon Sunday.

According to some passersby hanging out when I walked up, they had been there a bit earlier, walked away, but turned back as they were leaving and saw Bambi suddenly tied to the gate, as if someone had waited for them to leave. That the goat was tied outside upon return suggests maybe a different person brought her back? Stealing her would have required someone inside — which is also trespassing — handing her off to someone outside.

To sum up: stolen goat, defaced goat (if that's the right term for painting/staining a goat's horns), returned goat. Filing so there's some sort of record in the event anything turns up or anything else happens.

Frankonis tells the Mercury goat escapes are pretty rare, but that Bambi has been known to sneak out between visitors' legs as they enter/exit the gate. That's not what happened here, though.

What happened is you guys vandalized a goat.

Cut it out, Portland. You should be ashamed of yourselves.