Emily Heller is a very funny, up-and-coming young standup comic—she seized victory at the Iron Comic contest at Bridgetown from the likes of Dana Gould and Guy Branum, and she does a podcast, Baby Geniuses, with the brilliant cartoonist Lisa Hanawalt—and tonight she headlines a top-notch bill of locals for the show Funny Over Everything at the Hollywood, for a mere $10 of your pocket change. (Funny Over Everything was founded by Ian Karmel; Shane Torres and Sean Jordan are steering the ship now that Ian's off making it big in Hollywood.)

I interviewed Emily for this week's paper. I asked her many things, but this is the most important.

What do you want for Christmas?

This might sound creepy but I want KNIVES. GOOD, SHARP KNIVES. I just got a new apartment and have been cooking a lot, so I want some knives. Please give them to me handle-first. OH, and I want everyone in Portland to come see me at Funny Over Everything!

Don't ruin Emily Heller's Christmas, Portland.

And while we're on the subject of women who are hilarious, here are my three favorite quotes from Paper Magazine's new interview with Amy Poehler, taken entirely out of context (you'll have to read the article for that!):

"I dig shows where all the characters don't talk like the 28-year-old writer in the room."
"I mean, everyone under 26 seems gay to me."
"...historically, you have to come from a shitty background to succeed in comedy, but that was never really the case with the women I came up with."

She is the greatest human, full stop.