As someone who liked Cloud Atlas quite a bit more than the average moviegoer—and who loved Speed Racer, and still thinks more highly than most of The Matrix films, even with the sequels' problems—it goes without saying I'm curious about Jupiter Ascending, the latest from the Wachowskis. Hey Wachowskis, I would've gone no matter what it was! But then you went and threw in a pointy-eared, goateed Channing Tatum, and Mila Kunis, and Seen Beans, and then INTERGALACTIC ACTION and SPACESHIPS and CYBORGS and high-minded, breathy, srs bsns narration and fuck it, I'm done for. Jupiter Ascending looks as silly and ambitious and cool as the rest of the Wachowskis' stuff, which means I'm totally in.

Also, heads up: From here on out, I will only be referring to this movie as