Behold the very first page of Mercury letters in 2014! Wooohooo! Or, should I say, HOT DAMN!

—Mortal Chang wants you to be aware that these bitcoin thingies, just like good old American paper dollars, can indeed be stolen from your ass.

—Goddammit, Todd Mecklem already made us compromise our anti-poetry ban. Again.

—"Another Drunk Love Note" thinks he/she may have seen someone "pouring soapy water on a homeless gentleman" in the Pearl District. Let hope it was consensual.

—L is freshly arrived here from Jersey and politely wants to know what the fuck is up with Tri-Met. Seems like L will fit right in.

—Alex Falcone helpfully listed all the things that were not invited back to 2014, however the jury appears to be out on mustaches. Related: "Clear Channel Southern rock" is definitely a no-go.

—Let's all just agree that Expatriate is a wonderful place to be? I mean, really: Hot damn.

All of these drawn figures have mustaches because mustaches.