I’m about to turn 30, which means I have to give up certain things, like smoking pot in the morning and eating hot wings in bed. I also think it may be time to hang up my banging-dudes-under-25 boots. It’s been a difficult decision! Fraught with pros and cons!


They don’t sweat the details
Dudes under 25 do not care if you are showered, manicured, or wearing make up. Most dudes under 25 will swear that they prefer ladies with no make-up, they love it when you’re able to roll out of bed and go to breakfast with them—although breakfast will most likely be a .79 cent donut (“hey babe, actually could you get this? I forgot my wallet in my OTHER hoodie.”) The-under 25 y/o male can barely handle their own grooming needs; they’re pots are too black to call your kettle out for raccoon eyes.

They haven’t given up on their hobbies and dreams

They still dick around on guitar, paint, sculpt, skateboard, write poetry, and do the other stuff that old folks give up in support of their careers and families. Granted, low rent keeps this creative fire alive in Portland guys well into their 40s, but it seems to be most brazen in the 22 year old: “I’m just going to study finance until my skateboarding takes off.”


Nothing makes me happier when I can educate a younger friend. “What’s a good brunch spot that won’t be too crowded to take my parents? Can I put my internship on my resume? My shirt is wrinkled and I’m in a wedding in an hour, HELP!?” Answers: Zell’s on Morrison, Yes, and just hang it in the bathroom while you shower… Yes, you should shower.

Caregiving is fun

I’m not ready to have kids, but the maternity in me wants to ask someone: “What did you learn at school today?” Especially while you are making someone a snack. And then making out with them. It’s not creepy, it’s fun!


“Ah fuck it”

You said this more when you were under 25. “Can I go out tonight? No, I’ve got some writing to do and I have work in the morning, but you know what: fuck it.” You’re right, 22 year-old love muffin; let’s paint the town red… You hot-as-fuck-terrible-influence.


It’s the worst, and people under 25 love it. Sounds like robot sex to me.

The smell

What is that aroma, taco bell and feet? Kombucha and hot garbage? No. It’s your under-25 boyfriend who thinks deodorant will kill you. And water, too, apparently. It doesn’t have to be AXE to make everyone’s lives around you slightly better. Hose off, buddy.

They unintentionally make you feel like a fat, old monster

You know if you had a pet monkey, and you guys were best friends… one day Bobo would see a group of other monkeys and he’d look at them longingly; even if he really loved you. And you’d be hurting, but you’d tell Bobo to go join the other monkeys. And he’d look back at you like “are you sure” and with tears in your eyes you say “go on, go” and then Bobo disappears into the forest. That’s what it will be like when you and your under 25 yo BF sees a group of his own kind playing disc golf. And you’ll be like, “go to them…”

You gotta be responsible
Oh yeah, I’m invoking the Savage-ly popular “campsite rule.” You must be thoughtful and careful with your young honey. Treat them kindly, help them find their sexual voice, and don’t be a manipulative dick. The love/sex gods will smile upon this act of valour; and you will get milk and honey love/sex forever.

Other Notes:
a. If you don’t know what you want (and if you are fucking a 23-year-old I think it’s safe to say you don’t know what you want), a younger person might be less inclined to label what you are doing. If you think you might want a partner, the under-25-year-old is not going to provide that security.

What should I do, internet? Set the under-25-year-olds free from my 30-something lifestyle? Stay free to roam the “scenes” and frolic in the dive bars? Weigh-in below in the comments!

Wishing you great love and good sex,