GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! It feels good, you know it could never be wrong, so you and me could, and we should, rock it all night long. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A historic ice storm has covered the South, knocking out power for thousands and stopping commuting in its tracks—and? Meteorologists predict it's just going to get worse. (Where are your global warming deniers now?)

A new and meticulous study of mammograms seems to indicate that death rates are the same—whether women took the breast test or not.

Senate Republicans have seemingly given up on their idiotic battles to shut down the government, and today is expected to approve a debt limit bill that will keep Washington in business for another 13 months.

Because God hates douchebags, a sinkhole opens up in a Kentucky Corvette museum, swallowing up eight of the classic cars.

A retired lawyer in Tennessee is killed after receiving a bomb delivered to his house.

Former NBC anchor and beloved newsman Tom Brokaw has been diagnosed with cancer that affects blood cells in the bone marrow.

The trial of a Florida man who killed a teenager for playing loud music begins today, with the suspect saying he refused to call police because he was too overwhelmed with grief. RIIIIIIIGHT.

Accused of covering up pedophilia committed by priests, the Archdiocese of Milwaukee has set aside $4 million in compensation for the victims—which probably isn't enough.

Today's Sochi medal count (Russia has been bumped down to #8. Saaad trommmmbone!):


Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Warm and rainy, rainy, rainy until the end of time.

And finally, Billy Ray Cyrus and rapper Buck 22 team up to produce a hiphop remake of "Achey Breaky Heart"—which also includes a Larry King cameo and lots of scantily clad alien girls. IT IS JUST AS HILARIOUSLY TERRIBLE AS YOU'D IMAGINE.