I get a ton of fan mail from people who love my incredibly popular talk show Late Night Action w/ Alex Falcone, which returns this Saturday at 9pm with city Commissioner Steve Novick, Grimm actor Silas Weir Mitchell, comedian Amy Miller, and intergalactic marching band LoveBomb Go-Go.
Some of it is… creepy, but such is the life of a celebrity. Here is a small sampling of the mail that showed up around Valentine's Day.
Yo, Aboz. You macking crazy on my heart, got my jungle blood going something fierce in my heart cave. You like mustangs? I have a mustang. 82. Purrs like a kitten... that’s gettin’ fucked! HAHA, you know! I put a naked lady picture on that car, and cops hassle me for it. I wish they’d hassle you to come be my only one, because you special. I’d flush my anaconda down the trailer toilet if that meant you’d come over and watch Joe Dirt with me. I’d let you use the good chair. You got a smart face, like a possum that’s not afraid of books.
Attached is a condom filled with fruit loops. Get it?
Sincerely, Joe Biden.
Some people want all of me, some just want a piece.
Dear Mr. Falcone,
How’re you doing, girl? Gosh, you’re so pretty, and funny, and special, and cute, and smart, and sassy, and sexy, and cool, and defaulted on your monthly student loan payment of $214. Please write back!
Even big celebrities write to me. It's probably wrong to include their real names, but I'm just so uncomfortable, I have to let the world know.
I know you don’t think of me. I don’t care. I love you. You haven’t written to me in what feels like decades, but every year I break into your house and leave things behind. Just for you. I’m watching you whenever I can, and if it wasn’t for my wife I’d leave this shithole job and move closer to you, just to feel you. But I gotta live the suit. No one really knows me. No one knows what I’ve done. 14 people in shallow graves, because I can. Because without you, it’s the only way to feel something.
Every night when I sit with that smith & wesson by my side, I think, this could end it all, but then I think of you. You can bring a new life for me. And I can never accept it. Time to read some fucking lists. Sincerely,
It's tough to read these every day, but it's the job. The only thing that will make it more bearable is if you come see Late Night Action w/ Alex Falcone THIS SATURDAY!
h/t: Phil Shallberger