THE OSCARS. At left: an Oscar; at right: my dog, Oscar
  • THE OSCARS. At left: an Oscar; at right: my dog, Oscar

Hello, everybody, and welcome to the only Oscars live-blog! I am blogging from my friends’ Oscars party, where I have graciously demanded the best seat, and I fully plan on thanklessly stealing their funniest jokes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m a good friend.

Heads up, I am probably not going to have a lot of insight on deserved wins and losses. Bobby already wrote a smart thing with predictions and the general dumbness of it all. I’m just here to gawk at pretty dresses and watch Idina Menzel sing “Let It Go” and hope that J. Law falls again. But let’s be honest: so are you.

It's all going down after this hot jump! Fuckin' a!

3:47 Welcome to after the jump. We've still got a few minutes to wait. I'm gonna have a smoke and chug a beer. BRB.

4:00 Oh wait, this is just red carpet still. FINE BY ME! This is the best part anyway.

4:02 "Oh, Sidney Poitier is still alive?" We've got our finger on the pulse, folks.

4:06 Another really exciting update: Bruce Dern is Laura Dern's dad. News to me. How am I a film writer?

4:08 I'm watching on ABC, btw.

4:11 Anna Kendrick is on the TV, and I'll be in my bunk.

4:15 In case you're wondering, tonight I'm wearing Target, H&M, and some black socks my ex-boyfriend left at my house.

4:20 My friends printed out some ballots, and I was delighted to learn that Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa is up for an Oscar! I will check that box.

4:25 Yikes, this lighting is not doing anybody any favors.

4:30 Next time I go to have my hair done I'm going to demand "the Jared Leto." It's just so pretty. <3

4:31 J. Law alert! I love her sophisticated gym teacher hairstyle, no joke.

4:34 Cate Blanchett: naked Christmas tree.

4:40 I wish Leonardo DiCaprio was squintier and had shinier hair. JK THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

4:46 If you were to ask me, hey, is that the same image you used for the live-blog two years ago, I would say: yes, it is, and thank you for being so obsessed with me.

4:54 Fun fact: Jared Leto is the oldest actor in his category, and he is 42 years old.

4:55 Too much sparkly beige at this party. Over it.

5:01 Where do you guys think the famous people go to smoke weed during the ceremony? Can they just spark up, or do they need to go to someone's limo?

5:06 Bill Murray is 63 and Michael Fassbender is 36. Opposites.

5:12 Will Smith: "I KNOW THAT CAMERA MAN! I CAN'T BELIEVE HE STILL HAS A JOB." Whoa, Will Smith. The things you say and your ascot are making you seem like quite an asshole.

5:16 Sandra Bullock's makeup: A++

5:18 I think people in LA are even crazier about the rain than we in Portland are about snow. I love feeling superior, especially to LA.

5:24 Best moment so far: Kevin Spacey pointing at Joseph Gordon Levitt. "There's Joseph Gordon Levitt," he said. Is he mad, or starstruck?


5:32 Ellen is just pointing at all of the black people. Anybody else uncomfortable?

5:35 This crowd is *not* buying what Ellen is selling.

5:40 All together now: ANNE HATHAWAY! UGH!

5:42 Jared Leto gets the first trophy! I think we all called that one.

5:44 Rest easy, Ukraine: Jordan Catalano is here for you.

5:50 Kerry Washington makes me think pregnancy is really easy. Anybody who wants to say I'm wrong is kindly invited to eat my butt.

5:51 Pharrell's hat is back and he's dancing with Lupita and Meryl! I love this. I'm also kinda stoned, so.

5:53 There's a dancer we've named "Hot Carlton" which also sounds like a good sandwich.

5:57 Excweese me- when did Samuel L Jackson become a babe?!

6:00 Okay Jackass is up...annnnnnnd defeat. :( NGL I am not surprised.

6:02 Harrison Ford's earring is beyond depressing and so is the way that he talks. "Everybody fasten your seatbelts zzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

6:06 *I'd* like to give Chatum the ole Dolby Theater welcome, if you know what I mean.

6:11 Matthew McConaughey is shoving Debbie Harry's mom up to the mic but she's not moving.

6:17 There are so many dogs and sun chips at this party, you guys. #brag

6:20 I am the target audience for self-congratulatory montages. I could watch four hours of this.

6:21 JoGoLev, you are such a scamp!

6:24 LOL Zac Efron can't read.

6:30 One of my friends doesn't know who Michael Fassbender is so now 5 people are looking up pictures of his dick to show her.

6:34 I ain't saying she's a Cavedigger. (Cavedigger did not win.)

6:38 I am so happy that 20 Feet from Stardom won best doc! I reviewed that movie last year and I fucking loved it.

6:48 Viola Davis is flawless. 100%.

6:52 I never saw Nebraska or Philomena but I've seen the rest of the best picture nominees and I feel like an ageist.

6:55 Brad Pitt has been having a rough hair decade.


7:02 aw, big group selfie. Cute!

7:04 Kristin Bell is on the TV and one of my best friends of the last 20 years goes "who is that?" She doesn't know who Kristin Bell is. 20 years, right down the crapper. :(

7:10 Gravity is sweeping all the technical awards, surprising nobody except for my friends who definitely do not read enough internet.

7:13 Lupita must win.

7:14 And Lupita wins!! God, I just love her so much. She could not be any more beautiful and charming.

7:21 I don't get this pizza bit but I like it because all of these famous people are pretending that they eat.

7:26 Who spent longer on their hair today: Amy Adams or Bill Murray?

7:27 Sweet nod by Ramis by Murray <3

7:32 This room just erupted at Whoopi's appearance. Puttin' the whoop in Whoopi, ha ha ha.

7:33 Whoopi is dressed and ready for Sister Act 4. Make it happen, Hollywood

7:35 Pink's dress might be my favorite of the night/my life. Is that Elie Saab?

7:43 How is The Great Gatsby still up for nominations? Didn't that movie come out in like 2007? Oh, and it won for production design. w/e

7:46 Have you guys seen that gif of Captain America's butt when he's hitting the punching bag? I'd like you to stay here with me but I won't be mad if you leave to google it. So good.

7:50 I've been at this for three hours. :|

7:53 Glenn Close and Paul Rudd should sell their secrets to never aging.

7:54 Aw, the in memoriam montages are the saddest. I'm not gonna snark for a minute.

7:58 And now with Bette Midler, it's all too much.

8:06 Goldie Hawn has JBF hair.


8:10 What do you wanna bet John Travolta is singing along in the wings? I know I fucking would be. John Travolta and I are pretty similar.

8:13 Jamie Foxx is stressing out Jessica Biel. 500 points for Jamie Foxx!

8:17 The lady who wrote "Let it go" just landed the EGOT! This is great.

8:23 Meryl and Lupita don't have to pay for shit, doy.

8:26 John Ridley wins for screenplay for 12 Years a Slave and this is very touching. And Steve McQueen claps like a little kid.

8:28 Spike Jonze wins for Her! I was not expecting that but I'm glad because that movie was definitely special and unique and made things happen inside of my cold black heart.

8:33 Best Director goes to...Steve McQu—no! Alfono Cuaron! I am surprised.

8:36 HELLO! Dibs on Alfono Cuaron's son!! Boi-oi-oing! Aooooga! Aoooooga!

8:43 Best actress Cate Blanchett! Yep.

8:45 "hashtag SUCK IT!" ILU Cate. Ha, but check that stunted applause for Woody Allen. lulzies.

8:48 J. Law didn't fall down. Let's go home.

8:50 Will Leo get the Oscar for sucking blow out of that girl's butt??

8:51 Matthew McConaughey gets the O. And he thanks God, and those godless commie actors DGAF.

8:55 I was ready for the music to play him out but then: "ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT" :D

8:57 The big one: 12 Years a Slave! I am glad. I just saw it last night finally and it knocked my socks clean off.

8:58 I think Steve McQueen and Brad Pitt kissed on the mouth? Here for it.

9:00 Steve McQueen can jump high!

THE END. Wow, it's been a quick but also very long five hours. Thanks for spending them with me.

(I won the Oscar pool at this party. hashtag suck it.)