TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION The most important role of Mark Wahlbergs career.
  • TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION The most important role of Mark Wahlberg's career.

Marky Mark must be getting paid a lot to be in Transformers 4, because he will not stop talking about it as if it is going to be the single greatest piece of cinema ever crafted. Which is fine by me, because every time he talks about it, my soul sings—for his are the words of a madman, of a genius, of a person awed and humbled by the fact he is about to be in a movie that is about dinosaurs who are also robots.

Earlier this week at CinemaCon—an annual circle jerk for the National Association of Theatre Owners, where studios trots out their stars to make theater owners want to book their upcoming movies—Marky Mark continued his streak of making amazing and 100 percent impossible statements about Transformers 4—statements that follow, I should note, Marky Mark's comments from last year, namely those about how his part as "Cade Yeager" in Transformers 4 will be "the most important role of my career" and would allow him to do something "really special."

The next trailer for Transformers 4 should just be Marky Mark staring straight into the camera, earnestly saying things like he said at CinemaCon:

“This will be the biggest movie of 2014."

"For moviegoers all over the world, I guarantee this will take it up a notch. It is bigger and better than the other three combined."

“I feel like it’s the most iconic franchise in movie history.”

Look, I can't say for sure that this is accurate, but I picture Marky Mark falling asleep every night after he's read, over and over, his page on the Transformers Wiki. "I've made it," he mumbles to himself, the sweet smile on his face gently lit by the soft glow of his iPad. He snuggles deeper into this Bumblebee sheets and his Optimus Prime comforter, ever so gently transforming himself into a state of blissful slumber. "I've finally made it," Marky whispers, and then he dreams.