NYMPHOMANIAC Nothing ruins the moment quite like referring to ones penis as “Optimus Prime.”
  • NYMPHOMANIAC Nothing ruins the moment quite like referring to one's penis as “Optimus Prime.”

• Paramount Pictures didn't screen Darren Aronofsky's troubled Bible epic Noah for Portland critics—luckily, that didn't stop Vince Mancini. He says it's basically an insane movie about an insane person. I'm excited to see it this weekend.

• Magnolia Pictures asked critics to review Lars von Trier's porno epic Nymphomaniac not once but twice, since they're releasing the film into theaters in two parts, each part a few weeks apart from each other. Given that the entirety of Nymphomaniac is already available On Demand, though, Zac Pennington doubled down, taking the assignment of watching Charlotte Gainsbourg getting hate-fucked over and over again reviewing von Trier's latest.

• Upstanding citizen and beloved father Denis C. Theriault kind of dug the latest ultra-violent Schwarzenegger comeback vehicle, Sabotage! I'm unexpectedly heartened by this.

• Before he was brutally slaughtered by current Mercury Music Editor Ned Lannamann, the Mercury's old music editor, Ezra Ace Caraeff, was a ray of sunshine in all of our lives, making each day just a little more—oh, wait, Ezra's still alive, I guess. He reviewed the documentary that's (sort of) about the National, Mistaken for Strangers, and he loved it.

• There's more, as ever, in Film Shorts, including Ned's take on Denis Villeneuve's Enemy, which stars two Jake Gyllenhaals, Alison Hallett's review of The Lunchbox, and Marjorie Skinner's thoughts on the crammed-full-of-dicks Stranger by the Lake. There's also a reminder that you might want to swing by the Laurelhurst in the next few days, because:

Oh, and here are your Film Times.