GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! See ya shakin' that thang, like who's da ish. With a look in her eye so devilish. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

OH DEAR. A newspaper in New York's West Village runs an editorial calling President Obama "The [N-word] in the White House." (Except they really wrote the word.)

A seemingly wide ranging conspiracy of pedophilia has been going on in the upper crust of British society, including celebrities and high ranking politicians. The investigation is underway.

In other child abuse news, Pope Francis apologizes for the delay in cracking down on pedophile priests, and promises that eventually... you know, "some day"... something might happen about it.

Gov. Rick Perry returns with more "stupid"—this time, standing by his accusation that President Obama is willfully allowing undocumented immigrant children into the country.

Here's the most non-surprising headline you'll read all day: "California man blows off hands with fireworks."

And if you need proof that fireworks can "put someone's eye out"... well... here ya go.

More than 60 people were shot, and 11 were killed over the holiday weekend—and that's just in Chicago. GUNS! AMERICA! GUNS!

Sixty-three teenage girls kidnapped by Nigeria's Boko Haram terrorist group have escaped... though over 200 are still missing.

A seven-foot-long great white shark attacks a swimmer off the coast of California over the July 4th weekend... a story that sounds strangely familiar for some reason.

This also sounds familiar... rapper Kanye West gets booed at a concert for launching into a 20 minute rant.

Today Washington state will begin issuing permits for recreational marijuana shops... and yep! There's one opening right across the border in Vancouver, lucky you.

In perhaps the worst news of the day, two fucking idiot jerks knocked the Humpty Dumpty statue off its wall at Oregon's most awesome theme park, Enchanted Forest... and nope! It cannot be put back together again.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Morning clouds, and then hotty-hot sun reaching the upper 80s all week long!

And finally, hey guys! Check out my new swimming pool I spent the weekend installing. It's no big thing.