I fucking hate Maxwell, the GEICO pig. I'm a vegetarian, but I would eat bacon if you could promise me it came from that pig. I'd eat bacon if there was even a 50% chance it came from the GEICO pig. Fine, I wish I could eat bacon.

But personal struggles aside, Maxwell needs to go. He is the douchiest pig in TV history. His phone rings in yoga class, he plays music without headphones at a public pool, and he spoils movies for people. Even Charlotte the spider wouldn't stop God from taking this pig.


If you watch TV (or especially Hulu) you can't avoid GEICO commercials. 15 minutes is enough for them to save you 15% and to come up with 15 more terrible mascots. Maxwell was born in a commercial about pigs going "weeee" all the way home, which ended up being a pig going "weeee" all the way to the end of the commercial, which ended up being as annoying as it sounds. He was just hurting children back then, ruining their pleasant commute, but since GEICO never does anything a reasonable amount, he's only gotten worse.

For proof... hit the jump.

Apparently Bill Pay and Auto Pay were both TOO CONVENIENT for this porcine motherfucker. He only pays his bill when it's most intrusive to other people. But when his app ruins his plans, he does something more obnoxious than using voice commands at the pool: plays music on his phone out loud in a public place and SINGS ALONG. That is a party foul against the parties of God and man. I wish this was a Hawaiian beach instead of a pool so somebody could shove an apple in his face and shoot him in the head. Maxwell puts the suck in suckling pig.

Again, Maxwell shows his lack of work-life-balance and care-for-other-beings at the same time. He ruins a peaceful yoga session, and for what? To tell everybody about another useless feature: the ability to get notifications about his insurance claim. Does he get in so many car accidents that he can't put that particular notification on vibrate? This fucking pig needs to put directly into the state pen. Let him hoop a smartphone in and then use the GEICO App to calculate how many years you get for vehicular manslaughter.

And speaking of fucking pigs...

I know what you're thinking. "That lady is gonna get porked!" But no, of course not. Because Maxwell is as bad a lover as he is at everything else. She is better off because minutes into their lovemaking, he's going to try to pay his insurance bill again only to find out it's gone up again because he's in yet another accident.

Most of GEICO's commercials are grating: the hypersensitive cavemen, the inexplicably-Cockney Gecko, the twee folk guitarists who love puns, and the fever-dream museum full of talking paintings. But the centerpiece of it all is Maxwell the Giant Asshole. And if that's your best argument for why I should buy something from your company, you've got pig shit for brains.