Live from the Moda Center as the Portland Trail Blazers host the Detroit Pistons.

Forget Jason Voorhees. If you really want to see something scary this Friday the 13th, just google “Josh Smith + Pistons” and scroll through the terror that was his short stint in Detroit. He was so bad, the team just up and paid him the rest of his massive salary to leave them alone and go play for someone else.

Cutting Smith looked like a genius move at the time, as Detroit “formed a fucking wall” and immediately rattled off a seven-game winning streak. The fun only lasted for so long, though—the Pistons are now in the midst of an embarrassing eight-game losing streak, dropping games to the scuffling (and tanking!) Knicks and Lakers. Their future will be bright as long as they have Andre Drummond, but for now things are bleak in the D. Someone get Stan Van Gundy a Diet Pepsi.

The Blazers haven’t played against an Eastern Conference opponent since the end of January. They have this one home game before heading out on a brutal five-game road trip. It’s Friday the freaking 13th. The Blazers need to be careful—this one has trap game written all over it.

PRE-GAME:
The Blazers are holding strong at third in the Western Conference. If the playoffs started today, they’d be rewarded by...playing the Spurs in the first round. Damn. The West is a bloodbath

Remember how much fun that Rockets game was? How it was all threes and dunks and transition buckets? This is not going to be that game. Sorry, Pistons, but y’all just aren’t that exciting. Unless you like watching Reggie Jackson pick and roll into oblivion, in which case what the hell is wrong with you?

Welp, shut it down. Robin Lopez picked the pre-game music and went with "Ignition (Remix)" because of course. It's the freaking weekend baby, 'bout to have us some fun.

FIRST QUARTER:
10:24 - A basket! We have a made basket! It only took a minute and a half. Dame took it around a screen and to the hole, and there wasn't a defender within five feet of him. Easy money. 2-0 Blazers.

9:43 - Arron Afflalo is already off to a better start than last game, sinking his first basket (a three!) of the night. 5-2 Blazers.

9:15 - And there's three more, the old-fashioned way, for Afflalo. 8-2 Blazers.

7:19 - Okay, someone really needs to get Stan Van a Diet Pepsi. He's screaming so loud, yelling out his team's defensive schemes, that it's cutting through an otherwise quiet arena. 11-10 Pistons.

5:35 - Huh, the Blazers just ran a play out of a timeout to get Lillard a touch in the post. I can't remember the last time they have ever done that, let alone had it be successful. Reggie Jackson, ladies and gentlemen. 16-14 Pistons.

4:01 - One, Tayshaun Prince is not dead. Two, Chris Kaman has no chance of trying to guard and/or box out Drummond. Three, Drummond's free throw shooting makes DeAndre Jordan look like Reggie Miller. 19-18 Blazers.

3:36 - LaMarcus Aldridge three-point alert. 22-18 Blazers.

3:13 - Damian Lillard three-point alert. Timeout Detroit. 25-18 Blazers.

1:05 - Dame is on one tonight. 5-6 from the floor, 3-4 from deep, thirteen early points. 32-24 Blazers.

0:00 - The Blazers are on pace for 140 points tonight, which is 100% sustainable. 35-25 Blazers.

SECOND QUARTER:
10:52 - Spencer Dinwiddie has one of the best names in the NBA. Here's to hoping he sinks fifteen more baskets, because I would like to type Dinwiddie approximately fifteen more times. 35-27 Blazers.

9:38 - Meyers Leonard can get three the old-fashioned way, too. He passed up the three from distance for a floater in the lane, and got both the basket and the foul. What can't that man do? 40-30 Blazers.

7:55 - Meyers for three! I'm pretty sure he rescued a puppy during the last timeout, too. 45-34 Blazers.

5:36 - LaMarcus who? Eight points, three boards, and one appreciative golf clap from Robin Lopez for Meyers in just over six minutes of game action. 49-36 Blazers.

3:08 - Two straight buckets for Detroit...and they're still down fourteen. This one got ugly quick. 56-42 Blazers.

1:16 - Stan Van can't do anything but throw his hands up in disgust after that one—Lillard and Lopez ran a pick and roll that ended up with Lopez all alone at the rim for an easy slam. De-fense! De-fense! 62-44 Blazers.

0:00 - With only 29 points that quarter, the Blazers are just slightly off their earlier 140-point pace. Ugh, I guess 128 for the game will have to do. 64-46 Blazers.

THIRD QUARTER:
11:12 - Afflalo opened up the quarter by missing two threes from the exact same spot. And Detroit is off to a quick 4-0 run. Ten more of those and we might have a game! 64-50 Blazers.

10:12 - Afflalo had another open look from deep from the same spot, but opted to take a few dribbles inside the arc. That worked better, as he sunk the two with ease. 68-50 Blazers.

8:47 - Aldridge is ready to get out of here and go enjoy his Friday. He has six straight, each shot catching nothing but the bottom of the net. 72-54 Blazers.

7:03 - Dame was this close to packing it one-handed on Drummond. He beat Reggie Jackson with a back cut, rose, but Drummond got just enough of his arm to make sure he wasn't on that poster. Too bad—some fireworks would have been nice right about now. 77-56 Blazers.

4:16 - Dame is just eating Detroit alive. If he's not scoring, he's making sure his team is getting easy looks. Maybe Reggie Jackson should stick to baseball. 86-65 Blazers.

2:29 - The Pistons are on a 9-0 run...and they're still down by twelve. Can this game be over now? 86-74 Blazers.

2:03 - Aldridge versus Anthony Tolliver is a good way to end a run. LA is ready to go—get that man a mojito! 88-74 Blazers.

0:20 - The year is 2015, and Dorell Wright just took a defender off the dribble sans pump fake and scored at the rim. 95-76 Blazers.

0:00 - About the only drama left is seeing whether or not Stan Van melts down, rips off his mock turtleneck like the Hulk, and leaves the court in a profanity-laced tirade directed at his defense. 95-78 Blazers.

FOURTH QUARTER:
10:15 - Tayshaun Prince passed up a long two to take it to the rim. I don't even. 97-82 Blazers.

9:33 - Do you guys think there is an opening for the Spencer Dinwiddie fan club, and if so, how can I take over said opening? 99-84 Blazers.

7:16 - Robin Lopez with a slick pass to a cutting Meyers Leonard for a dunk. Finally, a basket and an end to this Detroit run. 103-89 Blazers.

5:47 - Back to back threes for Dame. He is also ready to get this Friday night started—get that man a margarita! With a twenty point lead and a few more minutes of warm weather left, a bunch of fans are making their way towards the exits. 109-89 Blazers.

4:59 - Aaaand another three for Dame. Goodness. He's up to 28 points on just 12 shots, including a fire emoji 5-7 from deep. 111-89 Blazers.

4:13 - With a massive 5 games in 7 nights road swing coming up, Terry Stotts is going to his bench early. Joel Freeland, Allen Crabbe, and CJ McCollum are all coming in, and we'll never know if Dame would have sunk his next heat check from forty feet out. 111-91 Blazers.

2:59 - Meyers with a massive dunk followed by a three-pointer. Shut it down. It's over. 116-95 Blazers.

1:05 - Woah! A near fight! Meyers gave Shawne Williams a bit of a push on a rebound attempt—the two were jawing the play before, so you could tell it was coming. Williams got in Leonard's face, and Meyers just laughed it off. Williams said something to Freeland as he walked by, and the two came together. Williams threw a headbutt, Freeland threw an even bigger headbutt back. The play is under review now, but this crowd is loving Joel standing up for his teammate. The jumbotron is showing Joel, and he's just laughing it off to the cheers of this crowd. Robin Lopez came over and raised Freeland's arm like he had just won a prize fight. And now it's official—both players have been ejected. 118-97 Blazers.

FINAL: 118-99 Blazers. The Pistons are not good, and the Blazers responded in kind. This was a beat down, the perfect ending before a massive road trip. And hey, the late fireworks made the game a little more interesting than it actually was.