Darlings! As you can see, this issue of the Mercury is devoted to Portland's newcomers—which means we should be using this space to familiarize newbies with Portland's celebrities. The only problem with that? PORTLAND HAS NO CELEBRITIES. (Seriously, name one. Pink Martini's Thomas Lauderdale? Give us a fucking break. The only time he'd be recognized is if someone thought he was Guy Fieri's baby brother.) But trust us, this pitiful state of affairs won't last forever! Because EVERYONE from LA is moving to Portland, which means we'll soon be up to our tits in actual real-life celebrities! What follows are our top seven picks for celebs who should (and a few who definitely should NOT) move to Portland!—Ann

CHATUM!
  • CHATUM!
CHANNING TATUM

Why should Channing Tatum move to Portland? The reasons are many, but here's one just off the top of our head: Portland boys look like SHIT. If they're not owners of rat-infested beards, a startling number of Portland's "men" look like they were just dragged out of a hobo camp by their ankles. Even the more presentable ones fuck up their appearance with the addition of top buns, TOMS shoes, hipster scarves, drop-crotch sweat pants, acid-washed skinny jeans, and T-shirts that could pass for a circus clown's mini-dress. But the worst... THE ABSOLUTE WORST... are the beer-obsessed douches of this town, who appear to have formed a clone army in which their sole uniform consists of mandals, cargo shorts, LA Kings baseball hats, and craft brew T-shirts in one of 17 various shades of "taupe." Hey douchies! Get the fuck out of our town, move to Gresham, and make room for a real man—Channing Tatum. Unlike local boys whose idea of exercise is carrying a six-pack of Montucky Cold Snacks from the Plaid Pantry to their fixie, the muscular Chatum is a pleasure to look at—particularly when his clothes are OFF. This is why Channing should consider moving here and opening up two male strip clubs; one called Magic Mike's, and another stationed two blocks away called Magic Mike's XXL. Please, Chatum. For the sake of Portland's het women and gay men. PLEASE.

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