LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND why we shouldn't spoil movies for each other. The surprise and suspense of experiencing a truly iconic movie is rare enoughโ€”we don't need to go around salting that earth for other people just because we're inconsiderate, clumsy, or rude. Star Wars: The Force Awakens has been out for long enough, and you've had plenty of opportunities to see it. In fact, if you haven't seen it by now, you deserve to be punishedโ€”punished with spoilers, so that's what I'm going to do right now. Sorry, Star Wars fans/people who read this on the bus once a week, here's your official list of Star Wars spoilers.

CHEWBACCA TALKS!: Looks like Chewbacca spent his time since Return of the Jedi with a copy of Rosetta Stone! Not only does Chewbacca (now voiced by Glee's Jane Lynch) speak perfect English, he doesn't skimp on the space-sass when he does it. If you're a fan of catch phrases, get ready to make the Kessell FUN in 12 Parsecs, because Chewie has a bunch of 'em, including "How 'bout we don't and say we did," "Wookiee don't play that," and "The Force is WRONG in this one." He's also fully clothed and mostly wears polo shirts and khaki shorts.

DROID SEX: Oh yeah. The droids fuck in this one. All of them.

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