In the next few days, I'm going to have a very fit human orbiting my midsection with a measuring tape.

Happy Valentine's, Damewood. Here's an update on how things have gone since I launched my quest for fitness glory.

It turns out, I am always hungry. Even when I'm not, there's a certain "I could eat that" attitude I have that gets me into some big trouble... including, perhaps, with Studio X gym owner Tim Irwin, the one who has agreed to take me on as his personal project.


So far, so... OK?

First up, I need new pants. Not because I have lost one of those "hold your old fat pants up in front of you and then drop them in triumph" amounts of weight yet, but because I've actually managed to squat the ass out of two pairs of workout pants so far! To be fair, they were both old, but this fitness thing involves A LOT of squats. So many that my poor seams just couldn't bear it any longer and have given way to embarrassing reveals of skin.

Despite this, I really, really like the hour-long workout classes, despite their intimidating names of 'Jacked,' 'Burn' and 'Drench.' Studio X runs along a mostly boot camp model, so most workouts involve doing short, intense circuits: one minute of wall squats on a balance board, one minute of sprints, one minute of burpees (WOW THOSE SUCK) to one minute giving all you've got on a rower or bike. The benefits for someone like me are two fold: 1) I can talk myself into doing ANYTHING for a minute and 2) I'm able to go hard as I can, but that's still at my own pace.

I'm still not able to do a push-up, though. But I'm getting better.

Where things are really tough, unsurprisingly, is anything having to do with my diet. I'm reviewing Pizza Jerk this week, dammit! Do you know how hard it is to stay under 1700 calories and on a low fat plan when there is CLAM PIE and MEATBALLS???! Or, when I get invited to a seven course Chefs Week meal? AAAAHH!

Apparently portion control is supposed to be a thing. I've not yet grasped that concept, I don't think. When shit tastes good, I eat lots of it. WHUT.

As such, I'm only down about five pounds, which isn't much in my mind. But a preliminary measurement Tim gave me last week shows I've dropped about two inches from my belly circumference, so I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

Like I said to start, I'm due a full body measurement session real soon. I'll get back with those full results, and perhaps a few moments of my nascent fitness glory, next week. STAY TUNED!