As a college student, you'll be busier than you've ever been in your life. In fact, you'll be biz-ay. With all the pesky assignments, practically every week will bring a new bunch of crappy deadlines. What's worse, your professors have already heard every possible excuse. On today's campus, alibis such as "there was a family emergency"; "the computer erased my disk"; even "I had leprosy" are quickly recognized as the lame-ass jive of a no-homework-doin' scrub. However, by re-engaging your jaded instructors, then coldly and unrepentantly manipulating their concern for your own benefit, you can stretch any deadline to fit your busy student schedule. Here's how.

Step #1: Lay the groundwork. Be unfailingly honest in small matters of little or no importance. If you ever get the chance, point out an incorrectly graded quiz where you should have received a lower grade. Question whether your work is really "good enough." This will establish the premise that you are a sincere, honest, dedicated human being, which will come in handy later on as you descend into the unmitigated shitcan of insincerity that is step two.

Step #2: Never attempt to churn out a last-minute paper that'll surely fail. Stay calm. Now that nervous breakdowns in public are no longer impressive or strategically effective, emotional detachment is the key. Achieve the proper balance of earnestness and indifference when making your request for an extension or makeup exam. You don't care whether or not your grade suffers, because--and this is important--you "just want to turn in quality work." It is essential that this is believable. Without this, a skeptical professor will sniff you out like a drug-hunting dog chained to a polygraph machine. Depending on how thick you want to lay it on, you might want to casually drop the news that you're currently distracted by some weighty problem or another--something simple, along the lines of "I'm just really overwhelmed right now" or "I have bulimia" should work just fine.

Step #3: Success! By now, you've won your extension but still haven't even begun the original assignment, and you're probably not going to. A short, concentrated burst of misplaced aggression is now necessary to reconcile the incredible stress and/or guilt you're feeling. Maybe your roommate ate your Pringles. Who knows? Kick his ass. If your request for an extension was turned down and you were instead given a lecture about responsibility, repeat this step again tomorrow.

Step #4: You blew it. You've wasted your extra time, and sadly, the assignment is still due. You won't do it, but at this point it doesn't matter. If necessary, repeat step two a few times until your instructor catches on that you are, in fact, a despicable, shitfaced liar. Whatever. You've already acquired more real-world know-how than if you'd actually turned in the original assignment. And isn't acquisition of knowledge what college is all about?

Believe me when I tell you that the "soft sell" is absolutely the best way to make sure you have plenty of time in your schedule for Goldschläger and Sony PlayStation. However, if you'd rather not consign your lying soul to Satan for the sake of a three-page paper on Beowulf, there are a few alternatives: fucking your teacher, gunning down your classmates, hard work, and "hacking the mainframe." But I'm sure you'll soon find that the psychological thrill of manipulation is more addictive than smoking crack while seated in front of a slot machine. Enjoy!