Cannibalism! The mere word sends shivers a-shivering up and down one's spine. But what is this "cannibalism," you ask? And: Why should I even care?
Well, you should care, you insolent twit, because you could be eaten. At any time, with no provocation, cannibals could eat you. And they would enjoy it, giggling sardonically as they add your fatty tissue to their Hamburger Helper, or, if they're upscale cannibals, as they dash a smidgen of Grey Poupon across your sautéed ass cheeks. This is what cannibals do, and this is what they've always done.
The Crusades (c. 1095-1291)—With the stated objective of capturing the Holy Land (and the ultimate objective of killing a lot of people for no good reason), European Christians attacked the Middle East, eating the bodies of their enemies as they went. To protect yourself from crusading cannibals, remember this simple and true (if oft-denied) maxim: Christians think that Muslims are delicious.
Packer's Winter Feast (1873-1874) When he attempted to travel from Utah to Colorado in the middle of winter, Alferd Packer departed with five companions. Months later, Packer ended up in Colorado... alone, and pleasantly plump. He later admitted to a judge's cannibalism claim ("Damn you, Alferd Packer! There were seven Dimmycrats in Hinsdale County and you done et five of them!"), and was jailed. Or was he? A salivating Alferd could be behind you right now!
Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 (1972)—When a school rugby team's flight crashed in the Andes Mountains, only 27 of the 45 passengers initially survived—a number that would eventually dwindle to 16. As there are no Dimmycrats to eat in the Andes, the hungry jocks soon started eating the corpses of their dead teammates. What can we learn from this terrible ordeal? Never travel with a rugby team, as they will eat you given the slightest provocation.
The Love Saga of Armin Meiwes and Jürgen B. (2001-2002) German pervert Armin Meiwes wanted to find someone to kill and eat, and thanks to the wonders of the internet, he did—a willing victim/pervert known as "Jürgen B." Meiwes killed and ate him. (Yep. Even poor Jürgen's junk. Especially poor Jürgen's junk.) To add insult to injury, Rammstein then wrote a song about it, "Mein Teil." ("Mein Teil" is German slang for "my penis," and the band's loving eulogy for poor Jürgen contained the lyrics "Denn du bist was du isst." When translated from Klingon, this phrase means, "Because you are what you eat.")
Soylent Green (2022)—Behold my dark prophecy, and mark my foretelling words! In 2022, the government will introduce "Soylent Green," a healthy, delicious foodstuff that will be met with cheers and grumbling tummies by us, the impoverished residents of an overpopulated Earth. We'll gobble it up with glee—until Charlton Heston shows up and tells us that Soylent Green is actually made from PEOPLE! And you thought the gun-crazy ol' bastard wasn't good for anything! Why not send him a thank you card now in advance?
Any Civilization in the Congo (Forever)—While revered anthropologist Michael Crichton documented Africa's homicidal albino gorillas in his research book Congo, he neglected to mention the greatest fear of every racist explorer who ventured into the "Dark Continent": That he would be eaten by pygmy cannibals. Nowadays, one can write such a fear off to superstition and prejudice. (Everyone now knows that pygmy cannibals inhabit not the Congo, but Canada.) But think! Have you ever known anyone who visited the Congo (or Canada) and returned? No, you don't! This is because they were eaten by tiny little miniature people, who would be adorable if they didn't have razor-sharp teeth, blood-red eyes, and an insatiable hunger for human flesh.
