Hey, whatta crowd, whatta crowd! I tell ya, it's great to be here. When the Mercury called and asked me to help out with their special Back to School Issue, I said, "What, another special issue? You gotta be kiddin' me!" It's at the point where if they put out a normal issue, that's the special issue! I tell ya, if I've gotta read one more "bicycle issue" or "fashion issue" or "food issue," I'm gonna wait 200 years until I'm old enough to pick up the Willamette Week and I'll take my readin' elsewhere! But hey, at least the Mercury still has those escort pages at the back of their paper, y'know? Last time my wife caught me lookin' at those, she asked me why I don't take pictures of her into the bathroom and lock the door. I told her 'cause if I was to have an "actual photo" of her, it'd have to be a picture of her with a headache!

But seriously, once those kids at the Mercury told me they were gonna pay tribute to one of my finest pictures, Back to School, how could I say no? I tell ya, there was talk of me gettin' an Oscar for my work in that picture! Sure, maybe I was the one doin' the talkin', but you gotta admit, that statue woulda looked real nice on my mantle. Granted, my wife probably woulda melted it down to make jewelry, but who cares? If she took up metallurgy, it'd be a nice change from comin' home to find her in one of her many orgies.

No, really folks, it was nice to be asked to help chip in, and I've done what I can to make this halfway readable. But just keep in mind, it coulda been better, y'know? I told 'em they should take a hint from Hef or Flynt and put in some classy pics of some trim, but no dice. I told 'em they should take a hint from some funny books and have more drawings and less words, which they got all uptight and offended about wavin' their mail-order diplomas at me and tellin' me they'd be doin' most of the writing! I tell ya, I've been dead for nearly four years and I still don't get no respect! Sure, I'm gettin' used to it by now, but yeesh. Guest editing a rag like this? That ain't gonna help me out any! But go ahead, take a look. And once you get bored, go rent Caddyshack or Meet Wally Sparks. Or sure, Back to School! It's just like this special issue of the Mercury—only funny!


The Ghost of Rodney Dangerfield