SURE, “pet rent” is just one more way for your rich landlord to fuck you over. But it’s not going away, so it’s time to have a serious conversation with your pet about how they’ll help offset their cost. Explain to them that for too long, they have exploited your generosity. Explain to them that it’s time they start pulling their goddamn weight.

Dog

On the surface, dogs are too “stupid” to “get an office job” or “learn Excel” or “make money.” But they do “bite,” which means your dog can help you rob people. Bark bark ka-ching!

Cat

Now, you aren’t going to like this, but your best bet is to skin your cat and sell its fur. Yes, I know your lack of meaningful human relationships has caused you to deeply love your cat. If it helps, keep in mind that your cat does not feel the same way about you, at all.

Pug

Existing in a disgusting nightmarescape between dog and cat, the pug is an evolutionary atrocity that is abhorred by God. It will neither help you financially, nor will it help you in any other conceivable way. You made a mistake when you got a pug.

Goldfish

Charge neighborhood children one shiny nickel to see your goldfish! Children are easily parted with their nickels, and literally no one else on Earth has any interest in goldfish.

Lizard

Dress your soulless, dead-eyed lizard in a tiny lab coat and take him to Rose City Comic Con! Shout at those nerds, “Behold! ’Tis Spider-Man’s fearsome foe, the Lizard!” Charge $25 a photo.

Snake

When your landlord asks you why you didn’t pay this month’s pet rent, throw your snake at him! You will no longer have to pay pet rent. You might not even need to pay human rent!

Bird

Set your bird loose in your building! Mutter to your neighbors: “Too bad about all that bird flu around here.” As apartments vacate, demand your rent be lowered.

Rat and/or Mouse

“Hello, Multnomah County Animal Control? For some gross reason I house and feed a rat and/or mouse, and am therefore doing your job for you. Pay me!”

Ferret

True, your ferret gives you no financial benefit—but it does offer a benefit to society at large, by warning the rest of us that you are a ferret person. Thanks, ferrets!

Your Child

The most expensive and parasitic pets of all, children offer nothing in return and cannot (legally) be euthanized.