Via Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, the Mercury asked Portlanders what Portlanders are doing wrong. This is something like .002 percent of the responses we got.

“Zipper merge! Traffic moves more smoothly for everyone if the two lanes fill evenly and then merge when the lane does.”—Karen Johnson

“Stop doing drug screenings for cannabis.” —@whysirraps

“The ‘Uber stop.’ Putting your hazards on, then stopping and waiting for your ‘fare’ in front of Powell’s on Burnside?!?!? While I look like the asshole stuck out in the middle of the intersection!?! For reals?!?!?—@crispwrinkle

“OLCC restrictions. I would love to walk into a grocery store and be able to buy some tequila. Cheers!”—@j_markme

“We’re not a bike city. We’ll be a bike city when everyone from toddlers to grannies feel safe to bike anywhere they want whenever they want, not just on the paint the city slaps on roads from time to time.”—@Susan51598205

“Portlanders don’t even throw away dog poop correctly! Even though the dog waste bags are green, Portland doesn’t accept dog waste in the compost because it’s a biohazard!”—@tastiecakez

“Parking too close to the corner of an intersection.”—@PierogiStuffin

“The 3% municipal cannabis tax going to the Portland Police Bureau. Literally anything else would be an improvement—e.g., a recreational fund that guarantees paddleboards and riding lessons for everyone.”—@grimthiccc

“Public transit: Leave the bus through the back door. Let people off before you get on. When it’s time to go in, go further back! People behind you are waiting to get on. Check yourself. You yell talk? Gross gossip? Stop. And use headphones, for fuck’s sake.”—@margob

“‘Supporting the arts’ without buying any local art.”—Anya Bogorad

“Stop using studded tires! Studded tires are not the best tool to keep you safe in icy/snowy conditions, and they do a ton of damage to the roads. If you think you need studded tires on your Subaru Outback, you should probably stop driving immediately because you most definitely suck at it.”—Stephanie Ashley

“Stop saying we don’t need air conditioning in Portland. Why do you want to be drenched in sweat everywhere you go? You really want to go sit in a bar with a vinyl booth that glue-guns your thighs to the seat, your sweaty hair pasted to your face as sweat cascades down your face into your $27 salad orbited by flies the size of guinea pigs, and then go home and try to sleep in a clay oven? No f-ing thanks.”—Becky Braunstein

“We need to change our commission-style city government to a district representative type. City commissioners don’t represent the voters, they represent their bureau assignments. And it’s not working.”—Lapere Preston

“Stop having sex with all the cabbage!!! Every time I go to the supermarket, all the cabbage has been fucked into oblivion. Just trying to make some soup, y’all. Thanks for nothing.”—Seth Bateman