Tired of coffee stains, pet stains, blood stains, and filthy grout? Is the painful plucking and pulling of leg hairs driving you crazy? Is your butter so hard to spread it destroys your roll? Then try the Portland Mercury; the easiest, quickest and safest weekly paper you've ever read--GUARANTEED.

The Portland Mercury is the new high-energy newspaper that uses the power of "oxygen" to clean and deodorize. Wine spills, coffee stains, perspiration, and blood: Portland Mercury cleans and whitens like bleach--without ruining fine washables! Use it on carpets, upholstery, tile, grout, shower curtains, tennis shoes, even dentures (YES, cleans and whitens)! The Portland Mercury won't irritate your skin. Portland Mercury is safe around children, pets, food, plants, expectant mothers, and will do no harm to our lakes and streams. All that for the low, low price of $19.95. That's a $100 value!

PLUS! If you order now, you will receive absolutely free, "Pages of Escort Ads"--an amazing product that not only removes unwanted hair, but actually keeps it from growing back. Tired of shaving your legs every day? Products like wax, sugaring, and lasers pull your hair. Ouch! Razors cut hair above the root, and it grows back faster and thicker. But "Pages of Escort Ads" comes with a special patented hair inhibitor that keeps hair off forever! Mmm, smooth. At last you can have that beautiful bikini line without the irritation or ingrown hairs.

And! If you order within the next 20 minutes, we'll throw the brand new kitchen delight, "Self-Reflexive Irony." Used in tandem with the Portland Mercury, "Self-Reflexive Irony" has a myriad of uses. Serving corn on the cob? Drop in a stick of butter, twist, and your cob is covered in melted buttery goodness. Insert frosting to decorate cakes with ease. Kids will have fun making their own treats like peanut butter ribbons. Why spread butter the old fashioned way when you can do it with "Self-Reflexive Irony"? Alone, that's a $20 value. But order right now, and you'll receive "Self-Reflexive Irony," "Pages of Escort Ads," as well as the miracle product of this or any other century, the Portland Mercury--and all for just $19.99. Each comes with a 30-day money back guarantee. ORDER NOW. The best products in the world are waiting for YOU. Operators are standing by.