Go fuck yourself, Rose Festival. Go fuck yourself in the ass and the ear and in your crusty nose-hole.

Every year you show up, a nasty little bit of small townism on steroids. You close off Waterfront Park and fill it full of syphilitic carnies that operate overpriced rides fro credulous Greshamites. You deem high school cheerleaders "princesses" and "queens" in a pointless, sexist contest. (Oh, they're "ambassadors," are they? Whatever. That's just lipstick on a pig.) You clog the streets with idiotic parades.

Worst of all, though, you demonstrate nothing that is genuinely good about Portland. I love my hometown. I love it because it has bike lanes, curbside recycling, and is a blue bulwark against red state. I love that it has restaurants, beer and a vibrant art scene. I love that it's interesting and alive. I've lived other places, and have come back here. Progress happens here.

Why debase this place with the idiotic simulacrum of a mud-strewn state fair? Why emulate the pathetic local chauvinism that infects so much of the rest of this country? Everyone who takes a bike to work is a celebration of Portland. Everyone who recycles, who makes art, who gives a shit about the environment is a celebration of Portland. Everyone who, on a regular basis makes this place excellent is a celebration of Portland.

You, Rose Festival, are not. Go fuck yourself, and leave us alone.