Dear douche-bag that stole my tomato plants:

I am not even sure you are worth my time to write this rant, but you want to know what Asshole? I doused those plants in pesticides not even the FDA could conjure up as something a human could posses. I laced them with gasoline. I poured gallons of e-coli and salmonella filled fertilizer all through their roots. When you pluck a ripe tomato off one of my plants at the end of summer you will find yourself writhing in the most unimaginable gut-cramping pain. You will shit rivers of blood and diarrhea. You will vomit every last ounce gastro-intestinal juice you have. Fucking dickwad, that is what you deserve.