I know your kids left home. I know you're bored. I know you watch a lot of HGTV.

That does not change the fact that your "vintage" and "antique" furniture shop is a lot of bullshit. Sure, a lot of your crappy dressers and chairs are as old as you are. Sure, you slapped some latex-based paint on it. That does not excuse the fact that it's all made of rubberwood, and none of it's even close to the century required to be considered antique.

Look, get in something by Eames or Breuer, and you've got vintage. Get an old, signed Tokugawa period tansu; you've got antique.

But the hyper-priced, rickety shit you sell is just that - shit. It smells like cat piss, if it's not wood it's upholstered in pea-green asbestos, and it's marked for hundreds of dollars more than it's worth - precisely three dollars.

Be honest. Admit you run a secondhand furniture store and sell nothing for more than 25 bucks. The sales volume will pay your rent and you won't have to be roundly recognized as a dumbfuck anymore.