We've been together for quite a while now, which means I'm pretty attached to you: we mutually own stuff and pets, and we have all the same friends. Unfortunately, I am starting to feel a little underloved. Forget that, I'm undersexed. We love the shit out of each other. In fact, I love you so much that I've been reeeaaaaally patient and understanding while you've been going through whatever it is you're going through that you can't seem to articulate and get defensive about whenever I try to have an honest, loving conversation with you.

Here’s the deal: Your patient, loving, understanding significant other karma is used up. You need to come up with a really amazing reason why you don't want to have sex or come to terms with the fact that I am about to start fucking other people. If we don't have a talk, I am going to cheat on you like a motherfucker and not feel even a little bit bad because it'll be easier than divvying up the stuff, the pets, the friends and moving out of our nice house. This goes for everyone in the city who isn't putting out right now: flush the toilet, jump into the shower, and then go into the other room and suck/lick/fuck your partner like the sanctity of your relationship depends on it. If you don’t and they come home smelling like someone else’s crotch, it’s your own fault.