You are not Anthony Bourdain. Anthony Bourdain isn't even Anthony Bourdain anymore, he's a Travel Channel shill, and you can see it on his face with every new episode. But at least he has the decency to kind of admit he's a phony. You don't. Therefore, using every opportunity to put bacon in something (a crutch that shows lack of imagination) and opening your idiot mouth to bitch about some far-reaching vegetarian/vegan conspiracy to rob you of your God-given right to torture and eat something only shows that you are passÉ and a copycat asshole. Chefs with this attitude are almost worse. You think you're cool because you got a pork-chop tattoo on your neck and can do something "neat" with meat? Are you kidding? Grill station may be tough, but anyone can throw some salt and pepper on that bitch and make it delicious. It arguably takes a special skill to fuck up meat. Make a vegan sausage that is as tasty as fresh pig: then you've got bragging rights and are a real kitchen Jedi. It's all ingredients, don't treat 80% of them like they're not worth using.

Don't think you're off the hook health-nuts. Ever hear of vegetable broth? You can cook your beans in it and they don't taste like shit. Use salt, motherfucker, you need it to process water and make food taste good. Also, don't act like you're doing the universe a favor by dropping some half-cooked, flavorless slop on a plate. That attitude is why no one likes you and will eat dolphin given half a chance.