As a grocery-shopping bicyclist who goes by Safeway on his way home from work: OH THANK GOD SOMEONE SAVED ME FROM THE EVIL SIN OF USING PLASTIC BAGS TO TRANSPORT MY GROCERIES! Now I can revel in the joys of trying to juggle paper bags over my handlebars while they dissolve in the rain, or I can play the wonderful minigame of "let's not run over the reusable bag that's dangling about six inches above the ground" every time I get groceries. What FUN! Or, hey, I can patronize one of our many overpriced bike shops and buy a $200 set of saddlebags to go with my $100 junker bike. That's a great theft deterrent, isn't it?

Thanks a goddamn lot, Sam Adams. Thanks to you too, you anarcho-hippie ecotards who pushed this through. What the fuck were you thinking? It rains for TWO THIRDS of the fucking year here. Last time I checked, plastic was waterproof AND PAPER WASN'T. Now I am inconvenienced so you can feel all full of warm huggy fuzzies every time you go to Whole Foods (or, god forbid, slum it at Safeway) and watch all us unenlightened simpletons struggle to carry six paper bags full of heavy-ass groceries out of the goddamn store. No more shall I effortlessly carry three bags over each wrist and neatly sling them under my handlebars for the ride home. THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME THE WRIST PAIN. Crushed, dropped, dirty, wet groceries are absolutely worth a respite from that fucking agony.

Look, assclowns. I'm a crazy liberal too. My political beliefs are fiscally anarcho-communist and socially far-left libertarian. But you know what? This phenomenally senseless legislation is inconvenient to everyone and helpful to no one except the paper bag industry. And for what? So you can sleep better at night, because your stupid uneducated ass doesn't know that plastic is actually NOT WORSE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT AT ALL? No. Fuck you. Fuck you, and may you fucking choke on the plastic bags I'll be importing in from Beaverton.